tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87968782024-02-28T04:19:07.635-06:00Daley World NewsToday's Freshest News. Period. Exclamation Point.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1130825151103078882005-11-01T08:01:00.000-06:002005-11-01T00:05:51.113-06:00Tuesday's Headlines<strong>God Wins Nobel Prize for Intelligent Design<br /><br />Bush Nominates His Own Right Hand to Supreme Court: “Handy’s Done a Helluva Job.”</strong><br /><br /><strong>Scooter, Kermit’s Chief of Staff, Executed for Treason after Outing Piggy as Covert CIA Operative </strong><br /><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4977/614/200/Scooter.gif" border="0" /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Undated File Photo</span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1113281794940593572005-04-12T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-11T23:56:34.940-05:00Tuesday's Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Survey: Deaf Kids Report Low Rate of Aural Sex<br /><br />Queer Lions Form Gay Pride<br /><br />Scientists Drill Through Crust and Into Mantle in Quest to Find Earth’s Clit</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1113284005209362912005-04-11T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-12T00:33:25.210-05:00Gas Prices Tumble as Petroleum Companies Tap Teenage Oil Reserves<em>Greasy Skin, Hair, Valuable Source of Light Sweet Crude</em><br /><br />Sweet Valley, USA—America’s oil woes seemed cured, at least for the foreseeable future, when the Energy Department authorized seven petroleum companies to begin tapping the nations strategic Teenage Oil Reserves. The Reserve was established in the 1960s when acne products and improved hygiene threatened to reduce the valuable resource. Late Monday crews began extracting rich light sweet crude from America’s pubescent youth. “You see, you take your average 15- year-old boy who’s got, let’s say, a pint of goo coming off the face, another half pint coming off his back, and if he’s a producer, 2 quarts coming off the hair,” says Lance Jordan, a longtime well operator who is heading up the teenage extraction division for Texaco, “You multiply that by all the teenagers out there, and that’s millions of barrels. And that’s every day. You can tap these greasy kids like maple trees.” The children are led from study hall to a collection facility where they are allowed to watch television or play Playstation while crews come around, strigiling the crude from the children’s bodies and combing the grease from their hair. The unrefined oil is then sent to refineries across the nation. President Bush commented on the plan, saying in a speech to the Association of Hair Clipping Removers, “Our children are doing what not they ask for their country, and we are proud of them asking the call.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1112985518216739412005-04-08T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-08T13:48:35.556-05:00Editorial: The Passing of a Pope<em>By Marco Rigamarole, DWN Rome Correspondant (Translated via His Wife, Maria Rigamarole)<br /></em><br />The little Polack has many steep folds of skin. He is minute, solemn, and without his tall hats he is only man--and he is died. For 16 hours I bake like hot ziti in the sunshines hoping to eagerly spy briefly the Polack who is daddy of faith-havers. In line, loyal Romans trade water, feed each other gelatos, and pray God’s clouds to remember the dead Polack. The Polack, if you must have the know, be Papal Gianni Paulo ii, who killed the world’s Communists and told the masses to let everyone keep life. I stand upright for hours in a grope with a grandmother, six teenager boys and girls, a Czecho fireman. We stand in line to make love for il Papal, who told us vibrantly to make love for the whole world when he was a live man. Our love is televisioned to the masses of the earth, the heathen and the Christ’s people. The millions are draped in lines around the Vatican to show the world how Catholics make visible love for their dead Polack, who is a man only, but also God’s hard rock. We need to be rock-like hard for the Lord’s love, even if the difficult world makes us to feel limp. What today can you do to be in Christ’s picture? Give love to an old man or woman. Take off your clothes for the poor. Or, if in a Roman line wishing to see the dead Papal, let an old lady sit on you, share your meat with teenagers, listen to a Czecho fireman whine about dead Communists. We are all shriveled old Polacks—but we can all wear giant pointy hats in our life dailys. Lord bless you and your world.<br /><br /><br /><em>From the DWN Archives:</em><br /><em></em><br /><span style="font-size:180%;"><strong>Oprah Winfrey Elected Pope<br /></strong></span><em>Poperah I Will Lead Catholic Church into Age of Spirit Journaling, Upbeat Celebrity Banter</em><br /><em></em><br />Vatican City—In a surprise move today, the Catholic College of Cardinals retired Pope John Paul II and elected Oprah Winfrey as Supreme Pontiff, officially dubbing the new head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Poperah I. The popular talk show host accepted the position over the phone from Harpo Studios in Chicago before whisking off to Vatican City in her private jet. Though only in office a few hours, Poperah has already replaced the traditional papal throne with a comfortable love seat. At the end of her first mass, which included a homily by John Travolta, parishioners were directed to look under their pews where a Roomba Floor Vac and a tub of Decleor Vitaroma Body Sumptuous Anti-Aging Body Cream awaited them. Poperah’s Book Club announced <em>City of God</em> as its first selection and Dr. Phil was pronounced Blessed, the first step on the road to sainthood. Critics claim that the College of Cardinals elected Oprah, who is neither Catholic nor a male priest, technically disqualifying her from the papacy, in order to get new cars. “If Poperah wants to give me a tricked out Mazda 6 with hub cap spinners and ground effects, I will accept it as the Lord’s will,” says Cardinal Gianni Andretti, who led the movement to elect Poperah I. “And of course God will always ride shotgun.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1112850530324053372005-04-07T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-07T00:08:50.326-05:00Thursday's Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Comedians Working Overtime on “Johnny Cochran, Saul Bellow, and the Pope At the Gates of Heaven” Joke<br /><br />NASA Turns Ailing Space Shuttle Into Nice Decorative Planter<br /><br />Little Miss Muffet Terrorizes Iraqi Kurds</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1112849427392904452005-04-06T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-08T13:39:50.896-05:00Congress Outlaws Death<em>Millions of Deceased to Be Forced Back Into World of the Living</em><br /><br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/278/2421/640/Zombie.jpg"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 1px solid" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/278/2421/320/Zombie.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />One of Thousands Arrested Yesterday on Felony Death Charges<br /><br />Washington, D.C.—In a special session yesterday, Congress passed a statute outlawing death which President Bush signed into law late yesterday afternoon. “After the Terri Shiavo case,” Majority Leader Tom DeLay explained, “we realized that it is immoral for anyone to pass away. That’s why we are outlawing death in America.” Squads of FBI agents were dispatched to cemeteries around the country to arrest millions of deceased-Americans who have immorally chosen eternal slumber and hook them up to heart/lung machines and feeding tubes. “We have no tolerance for those who have chosen a life of death,” said preacher Jerry Falwell, who recently decided not to die despite a serious respiratory infection that put him in the hospital for 9 days. “Jesus refused to die. We are to follow his example to the bitter end. I’m ashamed that the Catholic Pope has recently embraced a culture of death by passing away. Hopefully, he will see the folly of his ways and return to his flock. I for one will follow the example of the cockroach—I will never die.” The recently deceased including Marlon Brando, Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cochran, Saul Bellow, and Prince Rainier of Monoco have all been arraigned on death charges. “I try to sleep,” said a groggy Brando told reporters, “but they keep pulling me back in.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1112678668484109662005-04-05T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-05T00:24:28.486-05:00Tuesday’s Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Mars Rover Mission Ends In Murder-Suicide Pact: “Please Lord, No More Fucking Rocks.”<br /><br />Wolfowitz In Running for Papacy</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />Spice Girls Reunite on Food Network</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1112677444202043882005-04-04T08:02:00.000-05:002005-04-05T00:04:04.203-05:00Cardinals, Bluejays Squabble Over Which Will Elect Next Pope<em>"It’s Time for a New Species to Elect the Pontiff"</em><br /><br />Rome—For centuries an elite group of cardinals has had the honor of electing the Pope, the highest office in the Roman Catholic church But an interspecies rivalry that stems from the days of creation means a new species may choose the next pontiff. “The College of Bluejays is formally petitioning the Vatican to allow us the honor of electing the next Pope,” says spokesbird Allen von Beakenstudt. “We see no reason why the cardinals alone have this privilege. We are all God’s creatures. It’s about time God’s flock opened up to our flock.”<br />The election of a new Pope is a messy affair. The candidates are placed in a small chapel and instructed to stand at attention. Then the College of Cardinals, a group of about 200 birds, is released into the chamber where they defecate on the candidates for one hour. The priest bestowed with the largest amount of bird shit, a symbol of God’s favor, is then ratified as the new Pontiff. The ordeal is often dangerous. Pope Pius XXI lost an eye during the election when he was struck by a young bird, and Henri Canardus, a candidate in 1778, died when a wheeling cardinal was somehow lodged in his throat. Despite the risks, the Vatican insists the ancient ritual will continue as it has for centuries, though they admit they are toying with an interspecies flock for the upcoming election.<br />The cardinals, however, want to keep it a crimson-only affair. “We are a clean species,” argues Loral K. Honeyfluck, spokesbird for the cardinals. “Jays and other birds eat inferior seed, acorns, sometimes small rodents. Do you want your next Pope to be elected by having peanuts and mouse bones shat upon him? It’s undignified. Our shit is holy.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1108013631177874272005-02-11T08:02:00.001-06:002005-02-09T23:33:51.176-06:00Daley World News Will Return April 1Dear Readers: The Staff of Daley World News is pleased to announce that the government has given our staff an all expenses paid vacation to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Please be advised that all world events will be suspended until our return on April 1.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1108013472025094832005-02-11T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-09T23:31:12.026-06:00Health Advisory: Love Is In the Air<em>EPA Advises Elderly, Sick to Stay Indoors Until Love Smog Clears</em>
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<br />Pittsburgh, PA—The EPA is advising the sick, elderly, and weak to stay indoors over the weekend since a deadly concentration of love has covered most of the United States. Love, known to cause membrane irritation, tremors, heart palpitations, and explosive diarrhea, is exceeding 1,000 parts per billion, almost 100 times normal levels. Love emissions traditionally increase around Valentine’s Day when many Americans become highly polluting love machines. The smog is expected to clear by late next week when people remember that love is hell.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1108000286874130102005-02-10T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-09T19:51:26.873-06:00Thursday’s Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Condoleeza Rice Sees London, Sees France, Sees Jacques Chirac’s Underpants on First Overseas Trip</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Fat Tuesday Followed by Morbidly Obese Wednesday</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sales of Chocolates, Night Vision Goggles Soar as Disgruntled Ex-Boyfriends Prepare for Valentine’s Day </span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107909600868582672005-02-09T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-08T18:42:37.100-06:00The Noid, Domino’s Pizza Spokesman, Dies at 47<em>“Avoid the Noid” Campaign Led to Years of Agoraphobia, Paranoia</em>
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<br />San Antonio—Delbert “The Noid” Krueger died yesterday of acute alcohol intoxication in the small room he rented above the San Antonio YMCA for the last 11 years. The Noid gained prominence in the late 1980s in a series of Domino’s commercials in which his character—a deranged crack head with a homicidal lust for pizza—got into hilarious bits of mischief critics said were reminiscent of early Chaplin. But, after his meteoric rise to fame, the Noid was just as quickly on the other side of the velvet rope. After a recurring role as Balkie’s uncle on Perfect Strangers, the Noid dropped out of public view. “He started drinking with Joe Piscapo and Spuds McKenzie,” says The Noid’s biographer Alex Roberts. “But wherever he went it was the same refrain. ‘Avoid the Noid!’ He couldn’t get parts. He couldn’t get girls. Soon he just decided to live in his room.” Krueger lived the next decade off the modest royalties he received from Noid merchandise, but it was difficult to avoid poverty. His body was found by the cleaning lady when he failed to pay his weekly rent.
<br />“There, but for the grace of God go I,” said the Taco Bell Chihuahua on hearing the news. “You can’t believe you’re going to be popular forever. You’ve got to think about the future, your bitch and your pups.” The Noid was scheduled to appear on VH1’s The Surreal Life next year.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107822136435022762005-02-08T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-07T18:22:16.436-06:00Tuesday's Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Paul McCartney Has Career Malfunction During Super Bowl Halftime</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Bush Budget Cancels <em>CSI</em>, <em>Joey</em>, <em>American Idol</em> and Other Domestic Programs</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Box Office: Some Crappy Fucking Movie Makes Some Fucking Obscene Amount of Money</span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107821964670513012005-02-07T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-07T18:19:24.670-06:00Super Bowl Goes Sports Free<em>NFL Commissioner Tagliabue: “The Game Could Never Live Up To the Hype”</em>
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<br />Jacksonville, Florida—NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced at a press conference today that the 2006 Super Bowl will not include a football game. “It turns out in polls that the game is the least interesting part of the celebration,” said the Commish. “We will keep the 9-hour pregame show and substitute a 3-hour halftime show interrupted by silly high-priced advertisements instead of the game.” Officials at FOX, which will air next year’s Bowl, are excited by the move and are preparing a live-action half-time musical based on the first season of The O.C. “We expect revenues to jump by at least $1 billion,” said FOX chief Rupert Murdoch. “Without all that tackling and running we can cram in three times as many ads.” Ad agencies are already planning for the big day. “Two words:” said John Ridgely of Whack Communications, who creates ads for Pepsi, Taco Bell, and KY Jelly and is already prepping a 12-minute showstopper for 2006, “Talking Bellybuttons.”
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107488299903025592005-02-04T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-03T21:42:42.133-06:00Iraq Formally Asks America To Smell Its Finger<em>Bush Says It Smells Like Victory; Harry Reid Smells Poo</em>
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<br />Washington, D.C.—The nation of Iraq officially asked the United States to smell its finger this morning in a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi proudly presented the index finger of his right hand to President Bush, members of the Cabinet, and members of Congress. “Please,” said Allawi, “I request that you sniff my finger as a representative of the fingers of my people.” Attendees took turns sniffing the digit, which Allawi extended for 45 minutes. “It smells like Victory,” said Bush. Cheney said the aroma was definitely “crude oil” while Senate minority leader Harry Reid said it smelled like a pile of shit. Condoleeza Rice said it smelled like whatever the President thought it smelled like. Rumsfeld refused to smell the finger, but lectured the press corps, saying “Look, you’re going to spin this any way you’re going to spin this. This finger smells like what a finger should smell like, nothing more, nothing less.” Hillary Clinton was convinced the scent was from her husband’s ass. Joe Lieberman said the finger smelled like his own ass, which he has been offering to the Republicans for the last four years.
<br />“It is right and honorable that the Iraqis should give us the finger,” Bush said in remarks to the crowd. “Fingers is where our nations finds hope, where wings take dream.”
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107394966115203082005-02-03T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-02T20:00:59.276-06:00Thursday's Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">State of the Union: Confederates Making Major Gains, May March on Washington by End of Summer</span>
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<br />Some of the Rebs Massing Along the Virginia Border
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Cheech and Chong Smoke Super Bowl </span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Study: American Idol Auditions Nation’s Third Highest Cause of Suicide</span>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107292900366445292005-02-02T08:02:00.000-06:002005-02-01T15:21:40.366-06:00Smelly Clairvoyant Rodent Predicts Global Warming<em>Punxsutawney Phil Emerges From His Hole: “I See Extinction, Destruction, Death...”
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<br /></em>Punxsutawney, PA—Punxsutawney Phil, the legendary weather predicting groundhog emerged from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob today giving his meteorological predictions for the coming year. Local officials, clad in top hats and bow ties, formed a drum circle around Phil when he emerged from his hole as local priest, Father Jeremiah Curl, doused the rodent in fresh chicken blood. On seeing his shadow, Phil, wearing a colorful feather headdress, fell into a trance and danced wildly around, baring his long front teeth and hissing at the crowd. The groundhog then fell to the ground screaming before his eyes rolled to the back of his head. “I see death, extinction, destruction, the end of all things,” he said in his squeaky voice. “Man’s avarice will bring his end, and the world will be cleansed of the verminous two-leggeds. The epoch of the Groundhog has begun. And there will be six more weeks of winter.”
<br />Officials were puzzled by the extended prediction. “Usually he just says ‘more winter’ or ‘spring’s coming,’” says Wilbur Fleck, head of the Groundhog Club Virgin Sacrifice Committee. “I don’t know about that other mumbo-jumbo. I think Phil is just fucking with us.”
<br />After hearing the prediction, President Bush immediately signed the Kyoto Protocol and ordered Congress to ratify the treaty. “I mean, who are you going to listen to? Some limp-dick scientist or a talking groundhog?” the President told the press corp. “I think the choice is pretty clear. And I for one offer greetings and unlimited use of Airforce One to our new rodent overlords.”
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107235657345490702005-02-01T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-31T23:30:05.790-06:00Tuesday's Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Mission Accomplished: Iraqis Choose Blue M&M</span>
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<br />Hanging Chads, Hanging Candidates Mar Iraqi Elections
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<br />Sausage Makers Prep for Ground Hog Day</span>
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<br />Holiday Ground Hog
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1107145341247838982005-01-31T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-30T22:35:57.263-06:00You Can’t Handle the Truth<a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1400470,00.html"><span style="font-size:130%;">Maple Syrup Causes Lesbianism</span></a><span style="font-size:130%;"> </span>
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<br />Hot Butterworth on Butterworth Action
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><a href="http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1261997.html?menu">Man Pisses Way Out of Avalanche</a></span>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1106870658835223152005-01-28T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-27T18:04:18.836-06:00Opinion: The Inaugural Address<em>By Francisco de la Francisco, DWN Foreign Correspondent (Translated via Google)</em>
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<br /></em>Madrid—We have lives in the car driving ways of Madrid, we look into our own belly buttons fervently, however the rest of the world is still concubine to us. The American inhabitants tell Bush to stay in his house, and he lectures to them on what he will do in there. He tells the earth freedom is stomping her way across the national places. He tells the earth liberty is happening where it is unwanted. We stop our working for making to think difficultly about these things. Bullets and missiles come in the form of rain for small minutes, but freedom will squat above the earth to the furthest we can scan. Spaniards enjoy Bush—Spaniards should give strong love to Bush, who treats us like a large father. Potentate of Heaven, give special needs to Americans--and smile broadly to Real Madrid! Goal!
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1106774783941142472005-01-27T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-30T00:17:05.790-06:00Thursday's Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Condoleeza Rice Accidentally Packed in Burlap Sack and Sent to Thailand As Food Aid</span>
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<br />Rice Has Been Misplaced Somewhere in this Pile
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Max Headroom Selected As New CBS Anchor</span>
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<br />"Catch the Wave and Have a Pleasant Tomorrow"
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Survey: Pooty Tang Dynasty Most Popular Rulers of China</span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1106710750648137472005-01-26T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-25T22:01:30.533-06:00Bush Dedicates National Girls Gone Wild Preserve<em>“We Need To Protect Our Wild Girls for Future Generations”</em>
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<br />Girls Gone Wild Frolicking in Their Newly Protected Florida Preserve
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<br />Fort Lauderdale—Conservative policies are pushing one of our most beloved national symbols, the majestic girl gone wild, to near extinction. That’s why President Bush today dedicated the new National Girls Gone Wild Preserve, a 14-acre swath of clubs and beachfront in Fort Lauderdale, the roosting grounds of the Girls annual winter migration. “Dropping hemlines, decreases in teen sex rates, rampant virginism—Girls Gone Wild are a disappearing symbol of American freedom in these Conservative times,” Bush explained in his dedication speech. “We need to protect them, no matter the economic consequences. They need the freedom to frolic about in their natural habitat.”
<br />Derek Dongslinger, a nationally recognized authority on Girls Gone Wild is ecstatic over the new preserve, but believes more needs to be done to protect the species. “We can’t just confine them to this one small area of the country,” Dongslinger explains. “There are still remnant populations of <em>Sluttissimus femans</em> from New York to San Diego and all points in between. I want my children and my children’s children to experience the majestic sight of a wild girl exposing her mammaries and puking up Jaegermeister.”
<br />At the end of his dedication, Bush symbolically released his twin daughters Jenna and Barbara into the preserve.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1106627064554973662005-01-24T22:21:00.000-06:002005-01-24T22:24:24.556-06:00Tuesday’s Headlines<span style="font-size:130%;">Howard Stern Named New FCC Commissioner; Renames Agency Federal Cunnilingus Commission</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sue Nami, Connecticut Real Estate Agent, Receiving Hundreds of Relief Checks From Alabama Residents</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">IRS Announces No Late Fees</span>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1106533087563784412005-01-24T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-23T20:18:07.563-06:00FDA Recalls Elderly<em>Government Panel Finds the Elderly Are a Major Cause of Heart Disease, Cancer, Alzheimer’s, and Death</em>
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<br /></em>Washington, D.C.—The Food and Drug Administration issued a bulletin today taking elderly Americans off the market. “The elderly are known to promote a variety of illnesses and are the leading cause of death in the United States,” says FDA spokesman Floyd Platz. “It’s just not safe to keep them where children have access to them.” Those with elderly are asked to deposit the unused portion at their local ice rink for storage and disposal. The FDA suggests anyone who relies on the elderly as parents, grandparents, mentors, or personal burdens should substitute them with the middle-aged or age advanced baby-boomers. Several states have introduced programs to import the elderly from Canada, though the Bush Administration promises to prosecute elder smugglers.
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8796878.post-1106343762906771292005-01-21T08:02:00.000-06:002005-01-25T22:02:05.330-06:00Bush Concludes Pact With Satan<em>Sends Daughter Jenna to Rule the Underworld as Favored Concubine of Beelzebub</em>
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<br /><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/278/2421/640/Jenna%20Devil.jpg"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; MARGIN: 2px; BORDER-LEFT: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 1px solid" height="214" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/278/2421/320/Jenna%20Devil.jpg" width="304" border="0" /></a>
<br />Jenna Bush Salutes the Arrival of Her Dark Lord and Master at the Inaugural Ball
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<br />Washington, D.C.—On Thursday night, hours after George Bush’s swearing in, the Prince of Darkness arrived at the Black Tie and Boots Inaugural Ball to collect his prize, Jenna Bush, promised to him by the President in exchange for delivering Ohio to the Republicans. The Monarch of Hell, decked out in a white- linen Sean John tuxedo, strode into the ballroom atop a foul seven headed beast spraying vile filth and vermin from its hoary mouths. The Lord of the Flies then danced several songs with Laura Bush before sweeping a delighted Jenna up into his arms and dashing out of the ballroom in a fantastic firestorm of screeching twisted souls.
<br />“That was quite a spectacle,” Bush later told the press. “Reminds me of when Newt Gingrich left Congress! But really, that guy has style. He must have more money than the Bin Ladens. I think Jenna will be happier in the netherworld, which she says reminds her of Texas.”
<br />Jenna’s twin sister Barbara, it was later revealed, was recently engaged to the Egyptian god Osirus, and will be ritually sacrificed in the Rose Garden at an official state dinner next month.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com