Halloween Receives First Holiday NC-17 Rating

Neopagan Fest Cited for Sexuality, Violence, “Bobbing”

Burbank, CA—The Holiday Ratings Council voted four to one today to give Halloween an NC-17 rating. The rating means the holiday, most popular with children who enjoy sugary snacks, will be restricted to revelers ages 18 or older. In the past few years Halloween has pushed the boundaries of what constitutes a holiday, going well beyond the bloodshed, sexuality, and dirty language accepted during other R-rated holidays like Ramadan, Secretary’s Day, and Easter. Riots, arson, murder, and violence towards gourds have plagued Halloween for decades, so why the change now? “It’s not the violence, it’s the sexual content,” explained HRC spokesman Merv Lardner. “Halloween has become an excuse for women to dress as sluts. Slutty pirates, slutty witches, and slutty schoolgirl costumes have been around for a while, but we’re seeing a boom in dirty versions of traditionally non-slutty costumes.”
“I don’t see the big deal,” says Frank Salgundi, founder of Salgundi Costumes Limited, which in recent years has released costumes of slutty zombies, slutty Lord of the Rings characters, and sexually explicit presidential candidates. “I mean, razor blades in apples gets an R-rating and John Kerry with tits gets NC-17? We’ve got our priorities screwed up.”
HRC’s Lardner responds that it’s the potential for sexuality that the committee is reacting to. “These off the rack costumes are unpredictable,” he points out. “When you’re wearing a sketchy thong made of cheap plastic, your chances of a wardrobe malfunction skyrockets.”
Shares of M&M Mars, Hershey, and the confections sector as a whole plummeted on word that juvenile trick or treating will be suspended.