Kerry Refuses Scrapple, Drops Out of Race Under Pressure

“If Eating Regional Crap is What It Takes to Get Elected, I Don’t Want to Be President”

Reading, PA—In a surprise move today, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry withdrew from the race after refusing to eat a plate of scrapple. Kerry forked up a chunk of the corn mush n’ pork fat Pennsylvania Dutch concoction in front of local cameras and reporters letting the fork waver in front of his mouth before dropping it. “I’m done,” he said pushing himself away from the table. “I thought this was a presidential race, not an episode of Fear Factor. Even ketchup couldn’t make this shit edible.”
Over the past year, Kerry’s delicate palate has been assaulted by regional American cuisine including pasties, burgoo, cheese steaks, fried brain sandwiches, chitlins, rocky mountain oysters, fried Twinkies, cheese curds, lutefisk, horseshoe sandwiches, endless bowls of bad chili, and rubbery high-fat food on sticks. “What this country needs is some cooking lessons,” Kerry told the press a few hours after the scrapple debacle. “That’s why I am announcing the launch of my new PBS show Cooking with Kerry which will protect Americans from regional specialties. I promise to hunt down and kill this vile cuisine wherever it may be.”
President Bush responded during a campaign stop in Memphis, where he was attending a catfish prayer supper. “What the hell—so he can eat all that French crap like snails and frogs and sautéed fish semen and he can’t handle a little plate of corn mush? How’s he going to handle Osama? How’s he going to protect us from evil? I’m not complaining. More scrapple for me.”