Motherhood, Apple Pie Outsourced to India

Indonesia in Negotiations for Truth, Justice, American Way

Colorado Springs—The American Patriotism Coalition announced today that motherhood and apple pie have been outsourced to India. “Motherhood is a drag on the economy,” said the Coalition’s president, Sid Flaggston. “With this change we can eliminate maternity leave, pink eye, daycare, school boards, ChuckECheeses—things that are, frankly, a waste of resources.” Though the move will anger some who love children, statistics show that moving motherhood offshore makes sense—Indian women are able to produce children in half the time it takes American mothers and they crave half as many pickles during pregnancy. Affection, motherly love, and juice boxes are also cheaper on the subcontinent.
Not everyone is excited about the idea. “Postage for Mother’s Day cards is going to skyrocket,” laments Outsource No! coordinator Jules Hoffman. “And forget about sending flowers last minute—roses would, like, die way before they got to New Delhi.”
Flaggston also announced that apple pie will be exclusively made by the Mumbai bakery conglomerate Gupta, Chandra, and Hirsch. “We’ve replaced the traditional filling, which we found too sweet, with a nice mango chutney,” said a bakery spokesman, “But we’ve preserved the popular buttery, flakey crust.” McDonald’s has been granted permission to continue producing their popular Hot Apple Pie in Equitorial Guinea.