Archeologists Find Ancient City in Midwest

Thought to Be World’s First Mayonnaise-Based Culture

Cahokia, IL—Archaeologists from the Institute for North American Heritage revealed yesterday the discovery an ancient city overlooking the Mississippi River. The city, dubbed Woebegonxatatl is thought to be at least 20,000 years old and was home to the earth’s first mayonnaise-based culture, whose descendents have gone on to colonize a large swath of middle America, parts of the South, and the Benelux nations of Europe. Researchers on site report huge stone monuments to deer hunting, fields for playing a primitive form of high school football, and cuneiform tablets inscribed with recipes for vegetable-free “salads” containing Jell-o, marshmallows, and, of course, the revered creamy white condiment. There was also disturbing evidence of human sacrifice. A series of pictographs seems to show a virgin being drowned in a vat of mayonnaise to appease the deity Hellmansitus. “These people valued highly manicured lawns, obesity, and spent most of their hours after work drinking fermented corn while staring at the fire and masking their true feelings with an unnatural cheeriness,” says chief archaeologist Michael Bures. “Many of the men wore mustaches. We believe they were wiped out by marauding bands of Miraclewhipites, but it’s clear that their influence on North American culture is felt to this day.” The find has many current Midwesterners flocking to the site to pay homage to their roots. Woebegonxatatl has been flooded with flannel-clad druids leaving offerings of green bean casserole, over-cooked meat, Cheez Whiz, and mounted deer heads.