Election Roundup
National Muzak System Deployed
Soulful Sounds of Kenny G, Sinatra Waft Through Streets As America Waits for Results
Seattle—Instrumental and orchestral versions of classic rock, jazz, and popular songs like Nirvana’s Smell’s Like Teen Spirit and Sinatra’s My Way fill the streets of America at this hour as the nation waits for the final results of the 2004 presidential election. The National Muzak System, developed after the 36-days of waiting caused by the 2000 election frayed the nation’s nerves, is designed to relax and sooth anxious citizens. 11.5 million speakers have been dropped off all over the country, from wilderness hilltops to the lobbies of skyscrapers. “We wanted to comfort America in case there was another long wait,” says Sydney Fox, chief developer of NMD. “I want the country to feel like a pleasant waiting room at a dentist’s office till the results are final.” Fox says trucks carrying out of date issues of Highlights for Children and Redbook will scatter them on the streets of major cities if the results aren’t finalized by this afternoon.
MASSACRE!!
Thousands Executed As Vote or Die Campaign Draws to a Close
Philadelphia—Rap mogul P. Diddy made good on his Vote or Die pledge to murder anyone who did not cast a ballot, killing over 1,110,000 Americans soon after the polls closed Tuesday night. Diddy and his death squad began their spree on the streets of Manhattan, spreading to the outer boroughs before moving on to New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. The squad, armed with lists of those who did and did not check in at the polls yesterday, expect to cleanse America of non-voters by the end of the week. “I told y’all I was going to do this,” Diddy told the press shortly after capping 6 non-voters in a Brooklyn apartment. “I suggest if you didn’t vote you get your affairs in order. We’ll be with you shortly.” The death toll is expected to reach over 30 million nationwide. Those who did vote are encouraged to paint a large red checkmark on their front doors.
Supreme Court Casts Its 9 Electoral Votes
Little Known Clause in Patriot Act Incorporated Supreme Court as 51st State
Supremecourtlandia—A clause buried in the 2001 Patriot Act incorporating the Supreme Court as the 51st state of Supremecourtlandia with 9 electoral votes—more votes than key states like New Mexico and Iowa—will tip the election in favor of George W. Bush. Governor Sandra Day O’Connor of Supremecourtlandia said a vote of 5-4 gives the state’s votes to the president. Supremecourtlandia also announced that it is sending Justice John Paul Stevens, 84, to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy combatant.
Soulful Sounds of Kenny G, Sinatra Waft Through Streets As America Waits for Results
Seattle—Instrumental and orchestral versions of classic rock, jazz, and popular songs like Nirvana’s Smell’s Like Teen Spirit and Sinatra’s My Way fill the streets of America at this hour as the nation waits for the final results of the 2004 presidential election. The National Muzak System, developed after the 36-days of waiting caused by the 2000 election frayed the nation’s nerves, is designed to relax and sooth anxious citizens. 11.5 million speakers have been dropped off all over the country, from wilderness hilltops to the lobbies of skyscrapers. “We wanted to comfort America in case there was another long wait,” says Sydney Fox, chief developer of NMD. “I want the country to feel like a pleasant waiting room at a dentist’s office till the results are final.” Fox says trucks carrying out of date issues of Highlights for Children and Redbook will scatter them on the streets of major cities if the results aren’t finalized by this afternoon.
MASSACRE!!
Thousands Executed As Vote or Die Campaign Draws to a Close
Philadelphia—Rap mogul P. Diddy made good on his Vote or Die pledge to murder anyone who did not cast a ballot, killing over 1,110,000 Americans soon after the polls closed Tuesday night. Diddy and his death squad began their spree on the streets of Manhattan, spreading to the outer boroughs before moving on to New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. The squad, armed with lists of those who did and did not check in at the polls yesterday, expect to cleanse America of non-voters by the end of the week. “I told y’all I was going to do this,” Diddy told the press shortly after capping 6 non-voters in a Brooklyn apartment. “I suggest if you didn’t vote you get your affairs in order. We’ll be with you shortly.” The death toll is expected to reach over 30 million nationwide. Those who did vote are encouraged to paint a large red checkmark on their front doors.
Supreme Court Casts Its 9 Electoral Votes
Little Known Clause in Patriot Act Incorporated Supreme Court as 51st State
Supremecourtlandia—A clause buried in the 2001 Patriot Act incorporating the Supreme Court as the 51st state of Supremecourtlandia with 9 electoral votes—more votes than key states like New Mexico and Iowa—will tip the election in favor of George W. Bush. Governor Sandra Day O’Connor of Supremecourtlandia said a vote of 5-4 gives the state’s votes to the president. Supremecourtlandia also announced that it is sending Justice John Paul Stevens, 84, to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy combatant.
posted by JD at 9:00 AM
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