Oprah Winfrey Elected Pope

Poperah I Will Lead Catholic Church into Age of Spirit Journaling, Upbeat Celebrity Banter

Vatican City—In a surprise move today, the Catholic College of Cardinals retired Pope John Paul II and elected Oprah Winfrey as Supreme Pontiff, officially dubbing the new head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Poperah I. The popular talk show host accepted the position over the phone from Harpo Studios in Chicago before whisking off to Vatican City in her private jet. Though only in office a few hours, Poperah has already replaced the traditional papal throne with a comfortable love seat. At the end of her first mass, which included a homily by John Travolta, parishioners were directed to look under their pews where a Roomba Floor Vac and a tub of Decleor Vitaroma Body Sumptuous Anti-Aging Body Cream awaited them. Poperah’s Book Club announced City of God as its first selection and Dr. Phil was pronounced Blessed, the first step on the road to sainthood.
Critics claim that the College of Cardinals elected Oprah, who is neither Catholic nor a male priest, technically disqualifying her from the papacy, in order to get new cars. “If Poperah wants to give me a tricked out Mazda 6 with hub cap spinners and ground effects, I will accept it as the Lord’s will,” says Cardinal Gianni Andretti, who led the movement to elect Poperah I. “And of course God will always ride shotgun.”