Special Report: Election Day Coverage

McDonald’s, Subway, Burger King Disenfranchised at Polls

Kerry Promises “A Stemcell in Every Pot”

Bush Caught Lip Syncing During Milwaukee Speech; Blames Acid Reflux

Exclusive: Cheney’s Heart Can’t Handle Truth, Medically Necessary to Surround Himself With Lies

Florida Court Decides to Allow Provencal Balloting—Votes to Be Cast with Summery Blend of Garlic, Olive Oil, and Tomatoes

Kerry Proposes Canadian Citizenship for Every American—Promises Era of Free Health Care, Low Crime, Abundant Crullers

Electoral Map Vaguely Orange—Indicates Surprise Win By J. Lo

Bush Bulge Exposed: Missing Absentee Ballots Hidden in President’s Sports Coat; Lost Iraq Explosives May Be In Trousers

Paul Wolfowitz’s Hair Drilled For Oil—Experts Believe Untapped Reserve Cure For Energy Woes