Eliot Spitzer Indicts Santa Claus for Corruption
NY Attorney General Helps Dismantle Kringleron Corporation
Spitzbergen—Santa “Big Kringle” Claus was indicted at the Spitzbergen district courthouse on charges of embezzlement, racketeering, corruption, and vote tampering. Kringle, formerly the archbishop of Turkey, was invested with special powers by God in the 7th century and given the duty of distributing baubles and toys to the good Christian children of the world. But 1,300 years of good behavior won’t keep Santa out of the slammer—New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer has brought 34 felony counts against Kringle, who is accused of manipulating holiday lists to favor toys made by companies he owns under the Kringleron umbrella, raiding the Elf retirement fund to support a failing lingerie line, and letting president Bush use his sleigh during the 2000 campaign without properly reporting it. “That man is going to be somebody’s bowl full of jelly in San Quentin,” says Rudolph Cichowski, Kringle’s former lead reindeer who retired in 1966 after a falling out with Kringle over an investment in a New Mexico uranium mine. “Pyramid schemes, whore houses, insider trading—Big K was a good guy till he discovered how many goodie sacks a fat roll could get him in. Then he got naughtly. Of course the elves are the ones that really got the short end of the stick—their whole economy will collapse without the fat man.”
Kringle, who faces up to 2,345 years in jail is skipping this year’s Christmas festivities to focus on his defense. The Toothfairy, Easter Bunny, and Grim Reaper are stepping in to cover the expected holiday shortfall. Tim Allen has also been placed under protective custody to prevent him from making another crappy holiday movie.
Spitzbergen—Santa “Big Kringle” Claus was indicted at the Spitzbergen district courthouse on charges of embezzlement, racketeering, corruption, and vote tampering. Kringle, formerly the archbishop of Turkey, was invested with special powers by God in the 7th century and given the duty of distributing baubles and toys to the good Christian children of the world. But 1,300 years of good behavior won’t keep Santa out of the slammer—New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer has brought 34 felony counts against Kringle, who is accused of manipulating holiday lists to favor toys made by companies he owns under the Kringleron umbrella, raiding the Elf retirement fund to support a failing lingerie line, and letting president Bush use his sleigh during the 2000 campaign without properly reporting it. “That man is going to be somebody’s bowl full of jelly in San Quentin,” says Rudolph Cichowski, Kringle’s former lead reindeer who retired in 1966 after a falling out with Kringle over an investment in a New Mexico uranium mine. “Pyramid schemes, whore houses, insider trading—Big K was a good guy till he discovered how many goodie sacks a fat roll could get him in. Then he got naughtly. Of course the elves are the ones that really got the short end of the stick—their whole economy will collapse without the fat man.”
Kringle, who faces up to 2,345 years in jail is skipping this year’s Christmas festivities to focus on his defense. The Toothfairy, Easter Bunny, and Grim Reaper are stepping in to cover the expected holiday shortfall. Tim Allen has also been placed under protective custody to prevent him from making another crappy holiday movie.
posted by JD at 8:02 AM
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