NASCAR Dads, Security Moms Spawn

Hybrid Species of Fast Driving Airport Screeners Terrorize U.S.

Dallas—The Red State Rut begins this weekend as Security Moms across much of the country come into estrus. Nature lovers are flocking to small towns across the nation to watch NASCAR Dads wandering decrepit mainstreets and poorly lit bars in search of watery beer and tush. “It’s a beautiful natural scene, like the swallows returning to Capistrano or the elderly returning to Branson,” says Oklahoma-based naturalist Babe Tobekson. “See the full winter beards on the males and the blaze orange caps on their heads? That’s breeding plumage. Often they will offer a deer carcass as a mating gift.”
Though the natural phenomenon has taken place for well over a century, this year observers are worried that the herd is becoming dangerously large, and diseases like Limbaughism and Bushitis are spreading quickly throughout the nation. Biologists fear that their aggressive offspring, a hybrid species with low brain mass and fondness for halter tops, may overwhelm the natural democratic process. “I can’t drive down a county road without running down a NASCAR brat or a Security princess,” says Donald Repack, a farmer in New Glarus, Wisconsin. “They see your headlights and they stop and stare like Bush in a debate. We really need to thin the herd.”
Darren Feldspur, senior researcher at the Fish and Wildlife Service says nature will eventually take its course, and that balance will be restored. “These species are known to vote against their own best interest,” Feldspur explains. “After a couple of generations of that the population crashes and common sense is restored. Until then, though, we may have to institute a limited hunting season.”