Alberto Gonzales Single-Handedly Piles Senators Into Naked Pyramid

Tower of Legislatures Crumbles Under Weight of Ted Kennedy

Washington, D.C.—During his confirmation hearing in the Senate yesterday, Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales deftly corralled 30 members of the Senate into a naked pyramid in the middle of the chamber floor. “I don’t really know what happened,” says minority whip Dick Durbin, D-Illinois. “One minute I’m grilling him about his sloppy Texas death row memos and the next he whips out an electric cattle prod and I have Arlen Specter’s ass in my face.”
“I wipe my ass with the Geneva Convention,” Gonzales reportedly said as he forced Elizabeth Dole and Hilary Clinton to expose their legislative bodies. He then placed hoods over the heads of the stunned members of the Senate before piling them on top of one another. The tower of flesh crumbled when Senator Ted Kennedy, who Gonzales had ignored, ripped off his suit and excitedly climbed to the top of the flesh pile.Gonzales is expected to be confirmed sometime next week. “There’s no way I’m voting against him,” says minority leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, who was nearly crushed to death at the bottom of the pyramid. “It turns out we voted to give him $1 million for electrodes, car batteries, and KY Jelly in the last omnibus appropriations bill, and I don’t want to find out what that’s all about.”