Bush Dedicates National Girls Gone Wild Preserve

“We Need To Protect Our Wild Girls for Future Generations”


Girls Gone Wild Frolicking in Their Newly Protected Florida Preserve

Fort Lauderdale—Conservative policies are pushing one of our most beloved national symbols, the majestic girl gone wild, to near extinction. That’s why President Bush today dedicated the new National Girls Gone Wild Preserve, a 14-acre swath of clubs and beachfront in Fort Lauderdale, the roosting grounds of the Girls annual winter migration. “Dropping hemlines, decreases in teen sex rates, rampant virginism—Girls Gone Wild are a disappearing symbol of American freedom in these Conservative times,” Bush explained in his dedication speech. “We need to protect them, no matter the economic consequences. They need the freedom to frolic about in their natural habitat.”
Derek Dongslinger, a nationally recognized authority on Girls Gone Wild is ecstatic over the new preserve, but believes more needs to be done to protect the species. “We can’t just confine them to this one small area of the country,” Dongslinger explains. “There are still remnant populations of Sluttissimus femans from New York to San Diego and all points in between. I want my children and my children’s children to experience the majestic sight of a wild girl exposing her mammaries and puking up Jaegermeister.”
At the end of his dedication, Bush symbolically released his twin daughters Jenna and Barbara into the preserve.