DWN Personal Ads
DWF, The Huntress
Are you man enough to provide me and my 6 children with wild squirrel, turkey, deer, and bear meat? If so, you can tag me, bag me, and eat me for dinner. Ext 122
SWM, I Know Seduction
The soulful sounds of Celine Dion embrace us as I embrace you on my Swedish memory-foam sleep system. We have been drinking organic Oregon pinot by candlelight and licking cocktail sauce off free-range shrimp. I take my silvery pony-tail from its leather holder and I look like Fabio in the pale moonlight. What do you look like? I’m waiting to find out. Ext 364
SWF, A Blessed Virgin
Who would Jesus date? Me of course! Why? I’m pure as the driven snow, untouched, and sanctified. Seeking man for long nights of prayer, years of monogamous devotion, and a sacred deflowering broadcast live on Faithnet.com. Ext 7
MHM, Los Lonely Boy
Looking for a special and discrete man to share Friday nights watching What Not to Wear and Funny Girl. I’m totally not gay. I used to play football in high school. I just want to roughhouse a little or, like, take a shower with you if we get dirty roughhousing. And maybe I can scrub your back because I’m really handy with a loofah. Will you be my date for the Oscars? Ext 117
SWM, New From Ukraine
I am hot for bitches. I intercourse you hard, you schoolgirl look-alike. Ext 114
SBF, Obsessive Compulsive-Over You!
My fantasy date? You open and close the car door for me 16 times. We drive to Le Chalet where you help me manually wash the silverware 7 times and I send back the filet 3 times because it isn’t directly in the center of the plate. We come back to my place, I turn the lights off 18 times. If you don’t caress me gently on the elbow 23 times I’m afraid my cat will die. Do you want that on your conscience? Ext 378
DWM, Are You Allergic to Peanuts?
Good, because people who are allergic to peanuts are dildos. Call me and we’ll suck face. Ext 73
DWN, Can I Read Between Your Lines?
Editor of fake news blog seeks female of indeterminate attributes. Must not be afraid of open sores, curly back hair, Cheez Whiz sandwiches, thick toenails, old bathrobes, or obsessions with animal feces. Fine bone structure is appreciated, but not a deal breaker. Orphans only please. No fat chicks. Or really skinny chicks, like anorexics. On second thought I do like a little meat on the bone, especially if it’s that sexy curvy oompah! oompah! kind of meat. Scientologists need not apply. Or exterminators. Private detectives may apply. Actually, private female detectives only please. Or, at least chicks with the skills of a private detective, like a waitress who does private detecting on the side. That would be really cool. Except if she spied on me all the time, because I appreciate my privacy. OK, no public or private detectives. Or retarded girls, unless they’re really sweet like the wacko mute girl Sarah Morton played in Sweet and Lowdown. Sarah Morton in Sweet and Lowdown only please. Christ, who am I kidding. All you need is a pulse, and even that is optional. But a fingerprinting kit would be really nice. Ext 69
Are you man enough to provide me and my 6 children with wild squirrel, turkey, deer, and bear meat? If so, you can tag me, bag me, and eat me for dinner. Ext 122
SWM, I Know Seduction
The soulful sounds of Celine Dion embrace us as I embrace you on my Swedish memory-foam sleep system. We have been drinking organic Oregon pinot by candlelight and licking cocktail sauce off free-range shrimp. I take my silvery pony-tail from its leather holder and I look like Fabio in the pale moonlight. What do you look like? I’m waiting to find out. Ext 364
SWF, A Blessed Virgin
Who would Jesus date? Me of course! Why? I’m pure as the driven snow, untouched, and sanctified. Seeking man for long nights of prayer, years of monogamous devotion, and a sacred deflowering broadcast live on Faithnet.com. Ext 7
MHM, Los Lonely Boy
Looking for a special and discrete man to share Friday nights watching What Not to Wear and Funny Girl. I’m totally not gay. I used to play football in high school. I just want to roughhouse a little or, like, take a shower with you if we get dirty roughhousing. And maybe I can scrub your back because I’m really handy with a loofah. Will you be my date for the Oscars? Ext 117
SWM, New From Ukraine
I am hot for bitches. I intercourse you hard, you schoolgirl look-alike. Ext 114
SBF, Obsessive Compulsive-Over You!
My fantasy date? You open and close the car door for me 16 times. We drive to Le Chalet where you help me manually wash the silverware 7 times and I send back the filet 3 times because it isn’t directly in the center of the plate. We come back to my place, I turn the lights off 18 times. If you don’t caress me gently on the elbow 23 times I’m afraid my cat will die. Do you want that on your conscience? Ext 378
DWM, Are You Allergic to Peanuts?
Good, because people who are allergic to peanuts are dildos. Call me and we’ll suck face. Ext 73
DWN, Can I Read Between Your Lines?
Editor of fake news blog seeks female of indeterminate attributes. Must not be afraid of open sores, curly back hair, Cheez Whiz sandwiches, thick toenails, old bathrobes, or obsessions with animal feces. Fine bone structure is appreciated, but not a deal breaker. Orphans only please. No fat chicks. Or really skinny chicks, like anorexics. On second thought I do like a little meat on the bone, especially if it’s that sexy curvy oompah! oompah! kind of meat. Scientologists need not apply. Or exterminators. Private detectives may apply. Actually, private female detectives only please. Or, at least chicks with the skills of a private detective, like a waitress who does private detecting on the side. That would be really cool. Except if she spied on me all the time, because I appreciate my privacy. OK, no public or private detectives. Or retarded girls, unless they’re really sweet like the wacko mute girl Sarah Morton played in Sweet and Lowdown. Sarah Morton in Sweet and Lowdown only please. Christ, who am I kidding. All you need is a pulse, and even that is optional. But a fingerprinting kit would be really nice. Ext 69
posted by JD at 8:02 AM
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