FDA Recalls Elderly

Government Panel Finds the Elderly Are a Major Cause of Heart Disease, Cancer, Alzheimer’s, and Death

Washington, D.C.—The Food and Drug Administration issued a bulletin today taking elderly Americans off the market. “The elderly are known to promote a variety of illnesses and are the leading cause of death in the United States,” says FDA spokesman Floyd Platz. “It’s just not safe to keep them where children have access to them.” Those with elderly are asked to deposit the unused portion at their local ice rink for storage and disposal. The FDA suggests anyone who relies on the elderly as parents, grandparents, mentors, or personal burdens should substitute them with the middle-aged or age advanced baby-boomers. Several states have introduced programs to import the elderly from Canada, though the Bush Administration promises to prosecute elder smugglers.