Hardee’s Monster Thickburger Decimates Downtown Chicago

Burger and Godzilla Wage Fierce Battle Along Michigan Avenue

Chicago—Monster Thickburger, the 1,400-calorie behemoth bacon cheeseburger accidentally created in the secret underground laboratory of Midwest fast food franchise Hardee’s, destroyed much of downtown Chicago late last night as it battled Godzilla, who emerged from Lake Michigan to protect the city from the deliciously deadly Angus sandwich. “Thickburger came out of nowhere—he was causing heart attacks left and right, waistlines were exploding, and he was gnawing on the Sears Tower,” says Mayor Richard Daley. “The streets were flooded in rancid mayo and his cheesy layers dripped into the Chicago River, killing countless fish. We are asking that the National Guard be recalled from Iraq and deployed in the Windy City.”
The Mayor called Godzilla out of a ten year sleep at the bottom of the Lake to battle the cholestorolic beast. After a 3 hour battle which leveled the Miracle Mile, Thickburger jumped into Godzilla’s mouth, causing his heart to instantly explode. Thickburger then went on a rampage, eating the El, layering Wacker Drive with crispy bacon, and defecating ketchup into the fountain at Grant Park. The freakish burger was last seen moving towards Milwaukee, where residents are hoping Girthy Ballpark Frank will be able to stop the marauder. Emergency obesity clinics have been set up around Chicago. Anyone enlarged by Thickburger is encouraged to seek salad immediately.