The Home and Garden Page With Maureen LeTorte

Ideas for Losing Those Holiday Pounds

Did you gain a few pounds over the holidays—it’s hard not to! My husband sure noticed—he’s been calling me a fat cow for the past week! Ha! He’s got such a wacky sense of humor! I told him I was working on a column about losing holiday pounds and he said he’d help me lose 165 pounds overnight! Then he loaded up his car and drove away! Ha! Thanks for your wonderful ideas, America. God Bless and may your waistlines waste away!
-Maureen

Find and remove loose change from the rolls of fat on your belly, chin, and under your breasts. Use the treasure to buy yourself a salad.

Try the new Chet Atkins diet—catfish, fried chicken, grits, and drinkin’, and line dancing

Convert to Zoroastrianism—their holiday feasts are much less fattening

What would Jesus eat? Instead of celebrating Christmas with turkey and wine, have what our infant Lord would have: a brimming glass of breast milk

Watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and cry till you’re dehydrated. Say adios to water weight!

Join your local Al-Qaeda cell. A few years in Guantanamo can get rid of even the most stubborn pounds

Start living off Social Security—reduced benefits will force you onto a starvation diet

Keep a pile of your dog’s poo in the refrigerator to taint everything delicious

Forget the food pyramid—try the more cryptic food Sphinx, which only allows pizza every 4,000 years

Reduce the size of your stomach by eating a bucket of spackle—it’s a cheap alternative to expensive bariatric surgery

Weight gain is all in your mind—change the names of your favorite foods to doughnots, potato zips, Quarter Pounder with Breeze and believe the flab away

Legally change your name to Fat Fucking Pig. Let public humiliation do the rest.