Smelly Clairvoyant Rodent Predicts Global Warming

Punxsutawney Phil Emerges From His Hole: “I See Extinction, Destruction, Death...”

Punxsutawney, PA—Punxsutawney Phil, the legendary weather predicting groundhog emerged from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob today giving his meteorological predictions for the coming year. Local officials, clad in top hats and bow ties, formed a drum circle around Phil when he emerged from his hole as local priest, Father Jeremiah Curl, doused the rodent in fresh chicken blood. On seeing his shadow, Phil, wearing a colorful feather headdress, fell into a trance and danced wildly around, baring his long front teeth and hissing at the crowd. The groundhog then fell to the ground screaming before his eyes rolled to the back of his head. “I see death, extinction, destruction, the end of all things,” he said in his squeaky voice. “Man’s avarice will bring his end, and the world will be cleansed of the verminous two-leggeds. The epoch of the Groundhog has begun. And there will be six more weeks of winter.”
Officials were puzzled by the extended prediction. “Usually he just says ‘more winter’ or ‘spring’s coming,’” says Wilbur Fleck, head of the Groundhog Club Virgin Sacrifice Committee. “I don’t know about that other mumbo-jumbo. I think Phil is just fucking with us.”
After hearing the prediction, President Bush immediately signed the Kyoto Protocol and ordered Congress to ratify the treaty. “I mean, who are you going to listen to? Some limp-dick scientist or a talking groundhog?” the President told the press corp. “I think the choice is pretty clear. And I for one offer greetings and unlimited use of Airforce One to our new rodent overlords.”