Cardinals, Bluejays Squabble Over Which Will Elect Next Pope

"It’s Time for a New Species to Elect the Pontiff"

Rome—For centuries an elite group of cardinals has had the honor of electing the Pope, the highest office in the Roman Catholic church But an interspecies rivalry that stems from the days of creation means a new species may choose the next pontiff. “The College of Bluejays is formally petitioning the Vatican to allow us the honor of electing the next Pope,” says spokesbird Allen von Beakenstudt. “We see no reason why the cardinals alone have this privilege. We are all God’s creatures. It’s about time God’s flock opened up to our flock.”
The election of a new Pope is a messy affair. The candidates are placed in a small chapel and instructed to stand at attention. Then the College of Cardinals, a group of about 200 birds, is released into the chamber where they defecate on the candidates for one hour. The priest bestowed with the largest amount of bird shit, a symbol of God’s favor, is then ratified as the new Pontiff. The ordeal is often dangerous. Pope Pius XXI lost an eye during the election when he was struck by a young bird, and Henri Canardus, a candidate in 1778, died when a wheeling cardinal was somehow lodged in his throat. Despite the risks, the Vatican insists the ancient ritual will continue as it has for centuries, though they admit they are toying with an interspecies flock for the upcoming election.
The cardinals, however, want to keep it a crimson-only affair. “We are a clean species,” argues Loral K. Honeyfluck, spokesbird for the cardinals. “Jays and other birds eat inferior seed, acorns, sometimes small rodents. Do you want your next Pope to be elected by having peanuts and mouse bones shat upon him? It’s undignified. Our shit is holy.”