Congress Outlaws Death

Millions of Deceased to Be Forced Back Into World of the Living


One of Thousands Arrested Yesterday on Felony Death Charges

Washington, D.C.—In a special session yesterday, Congress passed a statute outlawing death which President Bush signed into law late yesterday afternoon. “After the Terri Shiavo case,” Majority Leader Tom DeLay explained, “we realized that it is immoral for anyone to pass away. That’s why we are outlawing death in America.” Squads of FBI agents were dispatched to cemeteries around the country to arrest millions of deceased-Americans who have immorally chosen eternal slumber and hook them up to heart/lung machines and feeding tubes. “We have no tolerance for those who have chosen a life of death,” said preacher Jerry Falwell, who recently decided not to die despite a serious respiratory infection that put him in the hospital for 9 days. “Jesus refused to die. We are to follow his example to the bitter end. I’m ashamed that the Catholic Pope has recently embraced a culture of death by passing away. Hopefully, he will see the folly of his ways and return to his flock. I for one will follow the example of the cockroach—I will never die.” The recently deceased including Marlon Brando, Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cochran, Saul Bellow, and Prince Rainier of Monoco have all been arraigned on death charges. “I try to sleep,” said a groggy Brando told reporters, “but they keep pulling me back in.”