Gas Prices Tumble as Petroleum Companies Tap Teenage Oil Reserves

Greasy Skin, Hair, Valuable Source of Light Sweet Crude

Sweet Valley, USA—America’s oil woes seemed cured, at least for the foreseeable future, when the Energy Department authorized seven petroleum companies to begin tapping the nations strategic Teenage Oil Reserves. The Reserve was established in the 1960s when acne products and improved hygiene threatened to reduce the valuable resource. Late Monday crews began extracting rich light sweet crude from America’s pubescent youth. “You see, you take your average 15- year-old boy who’s got, let’s say, a pint of goo coming off the face, another half pint coming off his back, and if he’s a producer, 2 quarts coming off the hair,” says Lance Jordan, a longtime well operator who is heading up the teenage extraction division for Texaco, “You multiply that by all the teenagers out there, and that’s millions of barrels. And that’s every day. You can tap these greasy kids like maple trees.” The children are led from study hall to a collection facility where they are allowed to watch television or play Playstation while crews come around, strigiling the crude from the children’s bodies and combing the grease from their hair. The unrefined oil is then sent to refineries across the nation. President Bush commented on the plan, saying in a speech to the Association of Hair Clipping Removers, “Our children are doing what not they ask for their country, and we are proud of them asking the call.”