Tuesday's Headlines

Survey: Deaf Kids Report Low Rate of Aural Sex

Queer Lions Form Gay Pride

Scientists Drill Through Crust and Into Mantle in Quest to Find Earth’s Clit

Gas Prices Tumble as Petroleum Companies Tap Teenage Oil Reserves

Greasy Skin, Hair, Valuable Source of Light Sweet Crude

Sweet Valley, USA—America’s oil woes seemed cured, at least for the foreseeable future, when the Energy Department authorized seven petroleum companies to begin tapping the nations strategic Teenage Oil Reserves. The Reserve was established in the 1960s when acne products and improved hygiene threatened to reduce the valuable resource. Late Monday crews began extracting rich light sweet crude from America’s pubescent youth. “You see, you take your average 15- year-old boy who’s got, let’s say, a pint of goo coming off the face, another half pint coming off his back, and if he’s a producer, 2 quarts coming off the hair,” says Lance Jordan, a longtime well operator who is heading up the teenage extraction division for Texaco, “You multiply that by all the teenagers out there, and that’s millions of barrels. And that’s every day. You can tap these greasy kids like maple trees.” The children are led from study hall to a collection facility where they are allowed to watch television or play Playstation while crews come around, strigiling the crude from the children’s bodies and combing the grease from their hair. The unrefined oil is then sent to refineries across the nation. President Bush commented on the plan, saying in a speech to the Association of Hair Clipping Removers, “Our children are doing what not they ask for their country, and we are proud of them asking the call.”

Editorial: The Passing of a Pope

By Marco Rigamarole, DWN Rome Correspondant (Translated via His Wife, Maria Rigamarole)

The little Polack has many steep folds of skin. He is minute, solemn, and without his tall hats he is only man--and he is died. For 16 hours I bake like hot ziti in the sunshines hoping to eagerly spy briefly the Polack who is daddy of faith-havers. In line, loyal Romans trade water, feed each other gelatos, and pray God’s clouds to remember the dead Polack. The Polack, if you must have the know, be Papal Gianni Paulo ii, who killed the world’s Communists and told the masses to let everyone keep life. I stand upright for hours in a grope with a grandmother, six teenager boys and girls, a Czecho fireman. We stand in line to make love for il Papal, who told us vibrantly to make love for the whole world when he was a live man. Our love is televisioned to the masses of the earth, the heathen and the Christ’s people. The millions are draped in lines around the Vatican to show the world how Catholics make visible love for their dead Polack, who is a man only, but also God’s hard rock. We need to be rock-like hard for the Lord’s love, even if the difficult world makes us to feel limp. What today can you do to be in Christ’s picture? Give love to an old man or woman. Take off your clothes for the poor. Or, if in a Roman line wishing to see the dead Papal, let an old lady sit on you, share your meat with teenagers, listen to a Czecho fireman whine about dead Communists. We are all shriveled old Polacks—but we can all wear giant pointy hats in our life dailys. Lord bless you and your world.


From the DWN Archives:

Oprah Winfrey Elected Pope
Poperah I Will Lead Catholic Church into Age of Spirit Journaling, Upbeat Celebrity Banter

Vatican City—In a surprise move today, the Catholic College of Cardinals retired Pope John Paul II and elected Oprah Winfrey as Supreme Pontiff, officially dubbing the new head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Poperah I. The popular talk show host accepted the position over the phone from Harpo Studios in Chicago before whisking off to Vatican City in her private jet. Though only in office a few hours, Poperah has already replaced the traditional papal throne with a comfortable love seat. At the end of her first mass, which included a homily by John Travolta, parishioners were directed to look under their pews where a Roomba Floor Vac and a tub of Decleor Vitaroma Body Sumptuous Anti-Aging Body Cream awaited them. Poperah’s Book Club announced City of God as its first selection and Dr. Phil was pronounced Blessed, the first step on the road to sainthood. Critics claim that the College of Cardinals elected Oprah, who is neither Catholic nor a male priest, technically disqualifying her from the papacy, in order to get new cars. “If Poperah wants to give me a tricked out Mazda 6 with hub cap spinners and ground effects, I will accept it as the Lord’s will,” says Cardinal Gianni Andretti, who led the movement to elect Poperah I. “And of course God will always ride shotgun.”

Thursday's Headlines

Comedians Working Overtime on “Johnny Cochran, Saul Bellow, and the Pope At the Gates of Heaven” Joke

NASA Turns Ailing Space Shuttle Into Nice Decorative Planter

Little Miss Muffet Terrorizes Iraqi Kurds

Congress Outlaws Death

Millions of Deceased to Be Forced Back Into World of the Living


One of Thousands Arrested Yesterday on Felony Death Charges

Washington, D.C.—In a special session yesterday, Congress passed a statute outlawing death which President Bush signed into law late yesterday afternoon. “After the Terri Shiavo case,” Majority Leader Tom DeLay explained, “we realized that it is immoral for anyone to pass away. That’s why we are outlawing death in America.” Squads of FBI agents were dispatched to cemeteries around the country to arrest millions of deceased-Americans who have immorally chosen eternal slumber and hook them up to heart/lung machines and feeding tubes. “We have no tolerance for those who have chosen a life of death,” said preacher Jerry Falwell, who recently decided not to die despite a serious respiratory infection that put him in the hospital for 9 days. “Jesus refused to die. We are to follow his example to the bitter end. I’m ashamed that the Catholic Pope has recently embraced a culture of death by passing away. Hopefully, he will see the folly of his ways and return to his flock. I for one will follow the example of the cockroach—I will never die.” The recently deceased including Marlon Brando, Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cochran, Saul Bellow, and Prince Rainier of Monoco have all been arraigned on death charges. “I try to sleep,” said a groggy Brando told reporters, “but they keep pulling me back in.”

Tuesday’s Headlines

Mars Rover Mission Ends In Murder-Suicide Pact: “Please Lord, No More Fucking Rocks.”

Wolfowitz In Running for Papacy

Spice Girls Reunite on Food Network

Cardinals, Bluejays Squabble Over Which Will Elect Next Pope

"It’s Time for a New Species to Elect the Pontiff"

Rome—For centuries an elite group of cardinals has had the honor of electing the Pope, the highest office in the Roman Catholic church But an interspecies rivalry that stems from the days of creation means a new species may choose the next pontiff. “The College of Bluejays is formally petitioning the Vatican to allow us the honor of electing the next Pope,” says spokesbird Allen von Beakenstudt. “We see no reason why the cardinals alone have this privilege. We are all God’s creatures. It’s about time God’s flock opened up to our flock.”
The election of a new Pope is a messy affair. The candidates are placed in a small chapel and instructed to stand at attention. Then the College of Cardinals, a group of about 200 birds, is released into the chamber where they defecate on the candidates for one hour. The priest bestowed with the largest amount of bird shit, a symbol of God’s favor, is then ratified as the new Pontiff. The ordeal is often dangerous. Pope Pius XXI lost an eye during the election when he was struck by a young bird, and Henri Canardus, a candidate in 1778, died when a wheeling cardinal was somehow lodged in his throat. Despite the risks, the Vatican insists the ancient ritual will continue as it has for centuries, though they admit they are toying with an interspecies flock for the upcoming election.
The cardinals, however, want to keep it a crimson-only affair. “We are a clean species,” argues Loral K. Honeyfluck, spokesbird for the cardinals. “Jays and other birds eat inferior seed, acorns, sometimes small rodents. Do you want your next Pope to be elected by having peanuts and mouse bones shat upon him? It’s undignified. Our shit is holy.”