Halloween Receives First Holiday NC-17 Rating

Neopagan Fest Cited for Sexuality, Violence, “Bobbing”

Burbank, CA—The Holiday Ratings Council voted four to one today to give Halloween an NC-17 rating. The rating means the holiday, most popular with children who enjoy sugary snacks, will be restricted to revelers ages 18 or older. In the past few years Halloween has pushed the boundaries of what constitutes a holiday, going well beyond the bloodshed, sexuality, and dirty language accepted during other R-rated holidays like Ramadan, Secretary’s Day, and Easter. Riots, arson, murder, and violence towards gourds have plagued Halloween for decades, so why the change now? “It’s not the violence, it’s the sexual content,” explained HRC spokesman Merv Lardner. “Halloween has become an excuse for women to dress as sluts. Slutty pirates, slutty witches, and slutty schoolgirl costumes have been around for a while, but we’re seeing a boom in dirty versions of traditionally non-slutty costumes.”
“I don’t see the big deal,” says Frank Salgundi, founder of Salgundi Costumes Limited, which in recent years has released costumes of slutty zombies, slutty Lord of the Rings characters, and sexually explicit presidential candidates. “I mean, razor blades in apples gets an R-rating and John Kerry with tits gets NC-17? We’ve got our priorities screwed up.”
HRC’s Lardner responds that it’s the potential for sexuality that the committee is reacting to. “These off the rack costumes are unpredictable,” he points out. “When you’re wearing a sketchy thong made of cheap plastic, your chances of a wardrobe malfunction skyrockets.”
Shares of M&M Mars, Hershey, and the confections sector as a whole plummeted on word that juvenile trick or treating will be suspended.

Thursday's Headlines

Swinger States Will Decide Election; Wife Swappers Key Demographic

CUBS WIN! Chicago Team Outlasts BoSox to Become Baseball’s Most Pathetic Losers

Racial Tensions Flair Between Chocolate, Vanilla Pudding Cups

Bush Signs Bill Amending Ten Commandments

“Though Shalt Have No Other Presidents Before Me” Throws Wrench in Election

Mount Sinai—During a ceremony on the slopes of Mount Sinai today, President George W. Bush Bush signed into law a bill amending the Ten Commandments, the stone tablets of God’s law given to Moses some 4,000 years ago. Among the changes, Bush amended the first commandment to read “I Am Thy President Bush, Thou Shalt Have No Other Presidents Before Me” which puts into doubt the validity of the upcoming elections. “Thou Shalt Not Kill” now has a clause excepting preemptive strikes, and “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” once the most pithy of commandments, now runs to 400 pages with new language produced by a Dick Cheney-led task force.
Response to the changes has been mostly positive as mandated by the laws, but critics argue that the commandments are loaded with pork. Though there are still only ten commandments, the codex weighs in at 1,400 single spaced pages. “Farm subsidies for soy bean growers, heavenly absolution for abortion clinic bombers, tax breaks for NASCAR track owners—this simple and elegant document is now too bloated to fit on two tablets,” says Chase McGary, pastor of the Muscoda, Wisconsin, Assembly of God Church. “There’s no way we’re going to have time to teach this in Sunday school.”
The Kerry camp, facing the eternal tortures of fiery hell, points out that the bill gives coveting breaks to the richest two percent of Americans, smiting authority to the Republican controlled Congress, and amends the seven deadly sins to include donating to the DNC. “If I am elected I will cut coveting privileges from the top two percent,” Kerry promised, “and I’ll turn that covetousness over to those who really need it--the middle class.”

Tuesday’s Headlines

Mount St. Helens Erupts; Florida Peninsula Ejaculates

Martha Stewart Knifes Mrs. Fields in Prison Rumble

PBS Launches “Smooth Jazz the Vote” Campaign

Kerry Refuses Scrapple, Drops Out of Race Under Pressure

“If Eating Regional Crap is What It Takes to Get Elected, I Don’t Want to Be President”

Reading, PA—In a surprise move today, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry withdrew from the race after refusing to eat a plate of scrapple. Kerry forked up a chunk of the corn mush n’ pork fat Pennsylvania Dutch concoction in front of local cameras and reporters letting the fork waver in front of his mouth before dropping it. “I’m done,” he said pushing himself away from the table. “I thought this was a presidential race, not an episode of Fear Factor. Even ketchup couldn’t make this shit edible.”
Over the past year, Kerry’s delicate palate has been assaulted by regional American cuisine including pasties, burgoo, cheese steaks, fried brain sandwiches, chitlins, rocky mountain oysters, fried Twinkies, cheese curds, lutefisk, horseshoe sandwiches, endless bowls of bad chili, and rubbery high-fat food on sticks. “What this country needs is some cooking lessons,” Kerry told the press a few hours after the scrapple debacle. “That’s why I am announcing the launch of my new PBS show Cooking with Kerry which will protect Americans from regional specialties. I promise to hunt down and kill this vile cuisine wherever it may be.”
President Bush responded during a campaign stop in Memphis, where he was attending a catfish prayer supper. “What the hell—so he can eat all that French crap like snails and frogs and sautéed fish semen and he can’t handle a little plate of corn mush? How’s he going to handle Osama? How’s he going to protect us from evil? I’m not complaining. More scrapple for me.”

Motherhood, Apple Pie Outsourced to India

Indonesia in Negotiations for Truth, Justice, American Way

Colorado Springs—The American Patriotism Coalition announced today that motherhood and apple pie have been outsourced to India. “Motherhood is a drag on the economy,” said the Coalition’s president, Sid Flaggston. “With this change we can eliminate maternity leave, pink eye, daycare, school boards, ChuckECheeses—things that are, frankly, a waste of resources.” Though the move will anger some who love children, statistics show that moving motherhood offshore makes sense—Indian women are able to produce children in half the time it takes American mothers and they crave half as many pickles during pregnancy. Affection, motherly love, and juice boxes are also cheaper on the subcontinent.
Not everyone is excited about the idea. “Postage for Mother’s Day cards is going to skyrocket,” laments Outsource No! coordinator Jules Hoffman. “And forget about sending flowers last minute—roses would, like, die way before they got to New Delhi.”
Flaggston also announced that apple pie will be exclusively made by the Mumbai bakery conglomerate Gupta, Chandra, and Hirsch. “We’ve replaced the traditional filling, which we found too sweet, with a nice mango chutney,” said a bakery spokesman, “But we’ve preserved the popular buttery, flakey crust.” McDonald’s has been granted permission to continue producing their popular Hot Apple Pie in Equitorial Guinea.

Thursday's Headlines

Yankees Sold Into Slavery: Disappointed Steinbrenner Ships Team to Human Trafficker in Mali

Bush Renames Operation Iraqi Freedom CSI: Iraq in Bid to Increase Ratings

Jude Law and Lucy Lawless Meet—Antimatter Explosion Devastates Central London

Kim Jong-Il Changes Name

North Korean Dictator Demands Homies Now Address Him as Kim Jong-Def

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il announced this morning that he has officially changed his name to Kim Jong-Def. “Il is just not who I am anymore,” said the Pyongyang-based strongman in a written statement. “North Korea is hot. I’m just trying to get some positivity up in here.”
Kim Jong, who first rose to fame in petty dictator circles on the east side of Pyongyang in the 1970s and 80s under the moniker Kim Jong-Smoove, adopted the name Kim Jong-Il in 1989 to protest what he saw as “the shitty way the world community was treating NK and all the disrespect we were getting. That time was definitely illin’.”
But the dictator, who took power after his father passed away in 1994, thinks his nation is on the upswing and wanted to reflect a resurgent North Korea. “We’ve gone nuclear, we’ve got color television,” he said on a recent appearance on the Tony Danza show. “Life in the North is off the hook.”
Critics aren’t sure the change is genuine, however, and believe Kim Jong is just trying to steal the spotlight from the American presidential candidates. Sources tell Daley World News that George W. Bush was planning to rechristen himself Freshie G over the weekend to try and connect with younger voters. John Kerry followed suit, filing paperwork with the Suffolk county clerk’s office to change his name to Horseface Killah’.

Tuesday's Headlines

G’s Up, Ho’s Down On Latest Economic Data

Talking Fish Movie Teaches Children About Skanks, Mafia Life

Evidence of Kool-Aid Found on Mars: Sugary Ocean May Have Spawned Race of Highly Intelligent Pitcher People