Daley World News Will Return April 1

Dear Readers: The Staff of Daley World News is pleased to announce that the government has given our staff an all expenses paid vacation to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Please be advised that all world events will be suspended until our return on April 1.

Health Advisory: Love Is In the Air

EPA Advises Elderly, Sick to Stay Indoors Until Love Smog Clears

Pittsburgh, PA—The EPA is advising the sick, elderly, and weak to stay indoors over the weekend since a deadly concentration of love has covered most of the United States. Love, known to cause membrane irritation, tremors, heart palpitations, and explosive diarrhea, is exceeding 1,000 parts per billion, almost 100 times normal levels. Love emissions traditionally increase around Valentine’s Day when many Americans become highly polluting love machines. The smog is expected to clear by late next week when people remember that love is hell.

Thursday’s Headlines

Condoleeza Rice Sees London, Sees France, Sees Jacques Chirac’s Underpants on First Overseas Trip

Fat Tuesday Followed by Morbidly Obese Wednesday

Sales of Chocolates, Night Vision Goggles Soar as Disgruntled Ex-Boyfriends Prepare for Valentine’s Day

The Noid, Domino’s Pizza Spokesman, Dies at 47

“Avoid the Noid” Campaign Led to Years of Agoraphobia, Paranoia


San Antonio—Delbert “The Noid” Krueger died yesterday of acute alcohol intoxication in the small room he rented above the San Antonio YMCA for the last 11 years. The Noid gained prominence in the late 1980s in a series of Domino’s commercials in which his character—a deranged crack head with a homicidal lust for pizza—got into hilarious bits of mischief critics said were reminiscent of early Chaplin. But, after his meteoric rise to fame, the Noid was just as quickly on the other side of the velvet rope. After a recurring role as Balkie’s uncle on Perfect Strangers, the Noid dropped out of public view. “He started drinking with Joe Piscapo and Spuds McKenzie,” says The Noid’s biographer Alex Roberts. “But wherever he went it was the same refrain. ‘Avoid the Noid!’ He couldn’t get parts. He couldn’t get girls. Soon he just decided to live in his room.” Krueger lived the next decade off the modest royalties he received from Noid merchandise, but it was difficult to avoid poverty. His body was found by the cleaning lady when he failed to pay his weekly rent.
“There, but for the grace of God go I,” said the Taco Bell Chihuahua on hearing the news. “You can’t believe you’re going to be popular forever. You’ve got to think about the future, your bitch and your pups.” The Noid was scheduled to appear on VH1’s The Surreal Life next year.

Tuesday's Headlines

Paul McCartney Has Career Malfunction During Super Bowl Halftime

Bush Budget Cancels CSI, Joey, American Idol and Other Domestic Programs

Box Office: Some Crappy Fucking Movie Makes Some Fucking Obscene Amount of Money

Super Bowl Goes Sports Free

NFL Commissioner Tagliabue: “The Game Could Never Live Up To the Hype”

Jacksonville, Florida—NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced at a press conference today that the 2006 Super Bowl will not include a football game. “It turns out in polls that the game is the least interesting part of the celebration,” said the Commish. “We will keep the 9-hour pregame show and substitute a 3-hour halftime show interrupted by silly high-priced advertisements instead of the game.” Officials at FOX, which will air next year’s Bowl, are excited by the move and are preparing a live-action half-time musical based on the first season of The O.C. “We expect revenues to jump by at least $1 billion,” said FOX chief Rupert Murdoch. “Without all that tackling and running we can cram in three times as many ads.” Ad agencies are already planning for the big day. “Two words:” said John Ridgely of Whack Communications, who creates ads for Pepsi, Taco Bell, and KY Jelly and is already prepping a 12-minute showstopper for 2006, “Talking Bellybuttons.”

Iraq Formally Asks America To Smell Its Finger

Bush Says It Smells Like Victory; Harry Reid Smells Poo


Washington, D.C.—The nation of Iraq officially asked the United States to smell its finger this morning in a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi proudly presented the index finger of his right hand to President Bush, members of the Cabinet, and members of Congress. “Please,” said Allawi, “I request that you sniff my finger as a representative of the fingers of my people.” Attendees took turns sniffing the digit, which Allawi extended for 45 minutes. “It smells like Victory,” said Bush. Cheney said the aroma was definitely “crude oil” while Senate minority leader Harry Reid said it smelled like a pile of shit. Condoleeza Rice said it smelled like whatever the President thought it smelled like. Rumsfeld refused to smell the finger, but lectured the press corps, saying “Look, you’re going to spin this any way you’re going to spin this. This finger smells like what a finger should smell like, nothing more, nothing less.” Hillary Clinton was convinced the scent was from her husband’s ass. Joe Lieberman said the finger smelled like his own ass, which he has been offering to the Republicans for the last four years.
“It is right and honorable that the Iraqis should give us the finger,” Bush said in remarks to the crowd. “Fingers is where our nations finds hope, where wings take dream.”

Thursday's Headlines

State of the Union: Confederates Making Major Gains, May March on Washington by End of Summer

Some of the Rebs Massing Along the Virginia Border

Cheech and Chong Smoke Super Bowl

Study: American Idol Auditions Nation’s Third Highest Cause of Suicide

Smelly Clairvoyant Rodent Predicts Global Warming

Punxsutawney Phil Emerges From His Hole: “I See Extinction, Destruction, Death...”

Punxsutawney, PA—Punxsutawney Phil, the legendary weather predicting groundhog emerged from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob today giving his meteorological predictions for the coming year. Local officials, clad in top hats and bow ties, formed a drum circle around Phil when he emerged from his hole as local priest, Father Jeremiah Curl, doused the rodent in fresh chicken blood. On seeing his shadow, Phil, wearing a colorful feather headdress, fell into a trance and danced wildly around, baring his long front teeth and hissing at the crowd. The groundhog then fell to the ground screaming before his eyes rolled to the back of his head. “I see death, extinction, destruction, the end of all things,” he said in his squeaky voice. “Man’s avarice will bring his end, and the world will be cleansed of the verminous two-leggeds. The epoch of the Groundhog has begun. And there will be six more weeks of winter.”
Officials were puzzled by the extended prediction. “Usually he just says ‘more winter’ or ‘spring’s coming,’” says Wilbur Fleck, head of the Groundhog Club Virgin Sacrifice Committee. “I don’t know about that other mumbo-jumbo. I think Phil is just fucking with us.”
After hearing the prediction, President Bush immediately signed the Kyoto Protocol and ordered Congress to ratify the treaty. “I mean, who are you going to listen to? Some limp-dick scientist or a talking groundhog?” the President told the press corp. “I think the choice is pretty clear. And I for one offer greetings and unlimited use of Airforce One to our new rodent overlords.”

Tuesday's Headlines

Mission Accomplished: Iraqis Choose Blue M&M

Hanging Chads, Hanging Candidates Mar Iraqi Elections

Sausage Makers Prep for Ground Hog Day

Holiday Ground Hog