2004: The Year in Review

By Francisco De la Francisco, DWN Foreign Correspondent (Translated via Google)

Madrid--The year 2004, she is good, but now the giant red balls drop on her, and the old man dies and the big baby comes. We weep vibrantly for the died old man, but hope the coming baby will be joyful. So, how 2004? It has made negro and white times, peacefulness and hatefulness, the weeping of eyes and the chuckles. How will Madrids forethought it?
Real Madrid stomps good balls many times, Goal! Goal! Beckham comes on Spain, the Spanish has much love for his good balls. Goal!
The America decides to like Bush. She sticks it in the box many times to show love for Bush. Goal!
The Muslims and the Jewish give licks to each other, they have licked each other thousands of numbers of years. Now the licking stops because Arafat is died?
Iraq give blows to Americans, Americans blow Iraqs. Al Qaeda blows Madrid and Spains weep at the bloodiest violations. The Prime Minister pulls out of Bush, and Spanish soldiers leaves the blowing in Iraq.
Olympians have good efforts in the Greece though many have forethought that the Greece will not be smooth. Much drug having give sportsmans bad times.
Mel Gibson kills Jesus with the mammoth screen, but the Jew screams vibrantly.
Hurricanes throw buffet at America; hotness melts Europeans; tsunami busts Asians. Is Nature’s Mother revenging?
My bride pushes forth similar babies, a man and a woman. We talk to God with hopefulness that the 2005 is gooder world for their weaning. Goal!

This Day In History…

10 Years Ago Today...
...The Balkans erupt when Serbians insist on renaming the Yugo the Slav-o.
...MTV changes its name to the “Flannel Channel” as grunge tops the charts.

25 Years Ago Today...
...Ronald Reagan chooses Ethan Allen for his cabinets
...Cobra Commander and Destro launch an offensive against the entire world because they “hate freedom.”

50 Years Ago Today...
...Chicago banker Frederick Wilson decides not to wear a hat to work—he is called before the House UnAmerican Activities Committee and is later executed
...Controversial “Pebble n’ Biscuit” music renamed “Rock n’ Roll”

100 Years Ago Today...
...Children walk 7 miles to school through a blizzard, uphill both ways
...Scientists stunned when Teddy Roosevelt discovers the environment

500 Years Ago Today...
...The Church decides to eliminate first 11 days of Christmas. French hen industry crumbles.
...“Celebrity Witch Hunt” is Europe’s top reality show

The Automotive Page

Toyota Quirola First Car Marketed To Homosexuals

Detroit—Toyota unveiled the 2005 Toyota Quirola today at the International Auto Show, rolling out a new “Don’t Ask, Just Drive” marketing campaign directed at homosexuals. The Quirola is Toyota’s first foray into niche marketing, a concept the company is betting will boost profits in the coming years. The new Quirola, designed in part by the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Martha Stuart, includes modular panels that can be easily changed for frequent redecorating, an automatic espresso machine in the glove compartment, and a fold-out shoe tree in the trunk. The Quirola will be available in Flaming Pink, Pumped Up Purple, and Ecru when it hits car lots in late January. Later in 2005 Toyota will roll out several other niche autos including the Toyota Melanoma for cancer patients, Toyota HoRolla for prostitutes, and the Toyota Lesbolla, a V8 4x4 pickup truck.

Tuesday's Headlines

Mary, Mother of Jesus, Signs $150 Million Endorsement Deal with Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil

X-Mas Celebrations Commemorate Birth of Malcolm X. Revelers Exchange Presents, Gunfire.

New Tuna-Safe Tuna Contains 100 Percent Dolphin

The Home and Garden Page with Maureen LeTorte

Creative Ideas for Christmas Leftovers

My husband gets tired of post-Yuletide ham sandwiches and runny green bean casserole, doesn’t yours? Sometimes he throws it at me! Ha! Luckily, committed Monica readers have come to the rescue once again by sending in fabulous ideas to help clean out that fridge full of leftovers! The number one piece of advice? Get a dog that likes scraps! My husband gave me a can of Alpo for Christmas this year with a card that said “For a real bitch!” Ha! Then he disappeared the entire day and didn’t come back until Sunday night! That crazy guy, what a cut up! Can’t wait till New Years—he says his resolution is to give me what I deserve! I’m predicting diamonds!
Keep your great tips coming, America, and Happy New Year!
-Maureen

Give the children a glue stick, construction paper, elbow macaroni, and a bag of giblets and watch the creativity blossom

Mix a simple Hollandaise sauce with unused Egg Nog to make a delicious Nog Benedict

Freeze any unused wassail—thaw and invite your friends to go wassailing along throughout the spring and summer

A succulent Christmas ham makes a fine unjudgemental lover

Sharpened turkey bones are a simple but effective ammunition for blowguns. Fermented figgy pudding makes a wonderfully potent poison

Uneaten fruitcake can be chucked at your gay cousin to express your displeasure with his lifestyle

Turkey skin makes a useful substitute for latex condoms in an emergency—it’s especially delicious with man-gravy

The vomit of alcoholic relatives is a powerful paint stripper. Check behind the sofa for a secret stash

Flaky Pillsbury crescent rolls can add some spring to your bosom, and have a more natural shape than socks

NASCAR Dads, Security Moms Spawn

Hybrid Species of Fast Driving Airport Screeners Terrorize U.S.

Dallas—The Red State Rut begins this weekend as Security Moms across much of the country come into estrus. Nature lovers are flocking to small towns across the nation to watch NASCAR Dads wandering decrepit mainstreets and poorly lit bars in search of watery beer and tush. “It’s a beautiful natural scene, like the swallows returning to Capistrano or the elderly returning to Branson,” says Oklahoma-based naturalist Babe Tobekson. “See the full winter beards on the males and the blaze orange caps on their heads? That’s breeding plumage. Often they will offer a deer carcass as a mating gift.”
Though the natural phenomenon has taken place for well over a century, this year observers are worried that the herd is becoming dangerously large, and diseases like Limbaughism and Bushitis are spreading quickly throughout the nation. Biologists fear that their aggressive offspring, a hybrid species with low brain mass and fondness for halter tops, may overwhelm the natural democratic process. “I can’t drive down a county road without running down a NASCAR brat or a Security princess,” says Donald Repack, a farmer in New Glarus, Wisconsin. “They see your headlights and they stop and stare like Bush in a debate. We really need to thin the herd.”
Darren Feldspur, senior researcher at the Fish and Wildlife Service says nature will eventually take its course, and that balance will be restored. “These species are known to vote against their own best interest,” Feldspur explains. “After a couple of generations of that the population crashes and common sense is restored. Until then, though, we may have to institute a limited hunting season.”

Thursday's Food and Wine News

Hungry Man Introduces Obesity Meal--Includes 1 lb of Mashed Potatoes, 2 Slabs of Ribs, Personal Heart Defibrillator

Hormel, Tired of Confusion, Changes Name of Tinned Pork Product to “Junk Email”

Elbow Macaroni to be Replaced By Kneecap Rotini

Death Row Records Releases Holiday Compilation

Dre, Lil’ Kim, 50 Cent, Jay-Z Celebrate the Magic of Christmas

Tracks
Smack a Ho, Smack a Ho, Smack a Ho (To the Tune of “Let It Snow”)
I’m Dreaming of a Black Christmas
Homies for the Holidays
Frosty the Methman
Grandma Got Run Over by the Po-lice
God Rest Ye, Fallen Homies
O Little Town of Compton
I Saw Mommy Tasting Santa's Balls
Away in the Slammer
It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Harassment
Ave Letitia
Feliz Navidad

Tuesday's Headlines

John Kerry Takes Position as White House Intern; Assaulted with Cigar by Condoleeza Rice

Flu Virus Causing System Crashes in the Elderly

Osama bin Laden Releases DVD Collection, Includes Outtakes, Bloopers, Duet with Nancy Sinatra

Eliot Spitzer Indicts Santa Claus for Corruption

NY Attorney General Helps Dismantle Kringleron Corporation

Spitzbergen—Santa “Big Kringle” Claus was indicted at the Spitzbergen district courthouse on charges of embezzlement, racketeering, corruption, and vote tampering. Kringle, formerly the archbishop of Turkey, was invested with special powers by God in the 7th century and given the duty of distributing baubles and toys to the good Christian children of the world. But 1,300 years of good behavior won’t keep Santa out of the slammer—New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer has brought 34 felony counts against Kringle, who is accused of manipulating holiday lists to favor toys made by companies he owns under the Kringleron umbrella, raiding the Elf retirement fund to support a failing lingerie line, and letting president Bush use his sleigh during the 2000 campaign without properly reporting it. “That man is going to be somebody’s bowl full of jelly in San Quentin,” says Rudolph Cichowski, Kringle’s former lead reindeer who retired in 1966 after a falling out with Kringle over an investment in a New Mexico uranium mine. “Pyramid schemes, whore houses, insider trading—Big K was a good guy till he discovered how many goodie sacks a fat roll could get him in. Then he got naughtly. Of course the elves are the ones that really got the short end of the stick—their whole economy will collapse without the fat man.”
Kringle, who faces up to 2,345 years in jail is skipping this year’s Christmas festivities to focus on his defense. The Toothfairy, Easter Bunny, and Grim Reaper are stepping in to cover the expected holiday shortfall. Tim Allen has also been placed under protective custody to prevent him from making another crappy holiday movie.