Tuesday's Headlines

VH1’s Remember 3 Hours Ago? Big Hit with Nostalgia Buffs

Jolly Green Giant, Longtime Companion Niblet Wed in Massachusetts

Study: Multibrow Discrimination Against Unibrow-Americans on the Rise

Al Jazeera, Falafel Cart Owner, Releases Tape of Son’s Birthday

Appears to Show Al Qaeda Training Camp for Toddlers

Brooklyn, NY—Over the weekend Park Slope falafel cart owner Albert “Al” Jazeera released a 40-minute tape of his son’s 6th birthday party to news organizations around the world. The tape is one of a series of tapes released by Al Jazeera in past months which have chilled the world with scenes of Muslim weddings, office picnics, and family nights in front of the television. CIA analyst Fiona Pinkwater has watched the most recent tape dozens of times and says it appears to show the training ground for a cell of child Islamic terrorists training somewhere in the New York area. “On the tape you can clearly see them playing “Pin the Tail on the Infidel Donkey” and what appears to be “Suicide Bombers and Indians,” she says. “In one scene a child, codename “Chip,” blows out six candles, a symbolic act of snuffing out the flames of freedom. This type of indoctrination is insidious.” Jazeera says he will release more tapes, and warns that the footage of Muslims dancing from the upcoming Falafelman’s Ball will make the world quake with fear.

Happy Holidays From DWN

Please, Keep in Mind Why We Celebrate…

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from King James, that all the world should eat Turkey. And all went to eat fowl, every one into his own city. And the Pilgrims also went up from the London, out of the country of England, into America, unto the city of Plymouth, which is called Rock, to gorge themselves with Pocohantas, being with bird. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth a succulent Turkey, and wrapped it in swaddling clothes, and laid it in a manger; because there was no room for them in the longhouse. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord come upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you breastmeat, which shall be scrumptious to all people. For unto you is cooked this day in the city of Plymouth a Turkey, which is a Butterball. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the bird wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, "Glory to cranberry sauce in the highest, and on earth stuffing, good mashed potatoes toward men." And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another: "Let us now go even unto Plymouth, and see this thing which is to come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us." And they came with haste, and found Pocahontas and the turkey lying in a manger, watching football. And when they had gorged themselves, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this Turkey. And all that heard it wondered at those candied yams which were told them by the shepherds. But Pocahontas kept all these things, and pondered the giblets in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising Butterball for all the things that they had eaten, as it was fed unto them.

Tuesday’s Sports Page

The Montreal Expos have officially morphed into the Washington Nationals, but a lot of horse trading went on behind the scene before that generic name was agreed upon. Sources have leaked DWN a list of rejected names for D.C.’s new baseball franchise.

Washington Pork Barrelers
D.C. Blue Dress Devils
Washington Filibusters
D.C. Tax n’ Spenders
The Coalition of the Willing
Washington Orange Alerters
D.C. Impeachers
D.C. Bunker Busters
The Kennedies
D.C. Beltway Belters
Washington International Incidents
Washington Caucus
D.C. Tax Breakers
Delta Force 1

House Republicans have inserted legislation in the latest omnibus bill requiring the team’s management to hire only right fielders.

Cheney To Drill Arctic Refuge With Own Penis

Classified Photo of Cheney's Drillbit

VP Promises Enormous Unit Will Be Sensitive to Caribou Herds

Archeologists Find Ancient City in Midwest

Thought to Be World’s First Mayonnaise-Based Culture

Cahokia, IL—Archaeologists from the Institute for North American Heritage revealed yesterday the discovery an ancient city overlooking the Mississippi River. The city, dubbed Woebegonxatatl is thought to be at least 20,000 years old and was home to the earth’s first mayonnaise-based culture, whose descendents have gone on to colonize a large swath of middle America, parts of the South, and the Benelux nations of Europe. Researchers on site report huge stone monuments to deer hunting, fields for playing a primitive form of high school football, and cuneiform tablets inscribed with recipes for vegetable-free “salads” containing Jell-o, marshmallows, and, of course, the revered creamy white condiment. There was also disturbing evidence of human sacrifice. A series of pictographs seems to show a virgin being drowned in a vat of mayonnaise to appease the deity Hellmansitus. “These people valued highly manicured lawns, obesity, and spent most of their hours after work drinking fermented corn while staring at the fire and masking their true feelings with an unnatural cheeriness,” says chief archaeologist Michael Bures. “Many of the men wore mustaches. We believe they were wiped out by marauding bands of Miraclewhipites, but it’s clear that their influence on North American culture is felt to this day.” The find has many current Midwesterners flocking to the site to pay homage to their roots. Woebegonxatatl has been flooded with flannel-clad druids leaving offerings of green bean casserole, over-cooked meat, Cheez Whiz, and mounted deer heads.

Thursday's Headlines

Survey: Cletus Interruptus Preferred Birth Control Method in the South

Whitehouse Retires Ashcroft’s Number; Jersey To Hang Next to Millard Fillmore’s Cleats in Executive Building Boiler Room

“Best of Acting Retarded” DVD Set Released: Includes Forrest Gump, Rainman, Radio, I Am Sam, The Other Sister, Good Will Hunting

DWN Current Best Sellers

Chicken Soup for the Eternally Damned Soul
Heartwarming tales for people facing eons of fiery torture

Green Eggs and Hamas
The Cat in the Hat visits Mahmoud and Fatimah in a Palestinian refugee camp

Harry Potter and the Tuft of Masculinity
Harry’s funny feelings for Hermione lead to a magical encounter as the two reach adolescence

Best American Cat Poetry
A lyric selection culled from Barnes and Noble open-mic nights, high school Sylvia Plaths, and other assorted wannabes

The 7 Habits of Highly Addicted People
Heroin, crack, cutting yourself—learn the life lessons hard core addicts know

My Lice
Bill Clinton’s inside tale of presidential STD’s, infestations, and the women he gave them to

Lord of the Little Brown Ring
Before there was the Fellowship there was Bilbo and Gandalf’s erotic adventures

The Da Vinci Chode
Now we know what the Mona Lisa was really smiling about

Tuesday's Headlines

Democratic Party Placed In Jar, Preserved In Formaldehyde For Later Generations To Study

Alabama Court Replaces Ten Commandments Monument With “No Fat Chicks” Poster

Michael Jackson Files Molestation Charges Against Himself. King of Pop Complains: “I Can’t Keep My Hands Off Me!”

Bush Announces Major Second Term Initiative

“I Promise to Name This Decade By the End of This Decade.”

Washington, D.C.—President Bush today announced a major initiative to properly name the current decade. “For almost five years we have simply referred to the current 10-year span as ‘this decade,’” Bush told reporters at a press briefing. “We can’t dance around the issue anymore. Historians and Time Life Music will suffer if we don’t address the Nameless 2K problem.” For the past five years newspapers, magazines, and the cultural elite have attempted to name the decade but nothing has stuck. Terms like “The Noughts,” “The O’s,” “The Millenials,” “The Britney Spears Decade,” and “Dark Ages II” simply haven’t caught on. “We’ve skirted the problem by saying “The Hottest Music from the 80s, the 90s, and Today,” says Milt Fairbanks of the Association of Classic Rock Stations. “But we’re screwed when the Teens decade hits. The whole classic rock infrastructure will melt down if we don’t name this puppy.”
The Bush Administration has not yet come up with a name, but it did unveil plans to deregulate the decade system to alleviate the problem. “Who needs ten years in each decade? We’ll let the market dictate decade lengths. If it’s fiscally sound to move on to the Teens next year we will,” the president announced. “There’s no shame in a one-year decade. We should have private sponsorship of decades, and we should use decades to unite us, not divide us.” Applications have been filed to name the next two decades “The Halliburton Years” and “The Age Of WalMart.”

Teen Actress Goes Through Puberty Over Course of Disney Movie

Budding Breasts Flower, Hips Softly Curve, Warm Glow of Womanhood Appears During 2-Hour Film

Hollywood—Teen actress Lily Dowd can literally be seen going through puberty during the new Disney film Mystery at Snowberry Ridge. Dowd, who turned 14 during the six-month shoot in the Vancouver area, transformed from a chubby tomboy with pigtails and freckles into a teen sexpot while on location. From scene to scene she gains four inches in height, grows from an A cup to a C cup, and develops high sexy cheekbones and lustrous auburn hair in an effect similar to stop-motion animation. “Wardrobe had a hell of time,” says director Joel Odell, “She plays a kid detective in overalls, but by the end of the movie she was busting out of her Osh Kosh B’Gosh. I’m afraid I might be charged for kiddie porn when this thing is released.”
A scene where Dowd hangs upside down on monkey bars and one where she eats a lolly-pop had to be deleted from the film because of their suggestive nature. The final cut of the film includes a disturbing kiss with boyish 12-year old costar Angus T. Jones. “I’ve played spin the bottle before,” says Jones, “But kissing her full womanly lips made me feel funny. She’s softer than other girls.” Dowd, who finished filming more than a year ago, has already been married and divorced twice and has gone through rehab once.

Thursday’s Headlines

Trailer Park Erects Decoy Trailer Park to Lure Away Twisters

Awkward Silence Matures into Confident, Well-Adjusted Silence

Trouser Snake Put on Endangered Species List

Gay Marriage Fight A Giant Misunderstanding

Liberals, Homosexual Activists Just Want Joyous Weddings

San Francisco—The debate over gay marriage waged across America for the last half decade turns out to be a giant misunderstanding, drawing to a close one of the most contentious fronts in the culture wars. “This morning we realized that conservatives and evangelical Christians thought we were talking about same-sex unions,” says Terrence Feingold of the Gay Marriage Alliance. “Man do we have egg on our face. We just want happy weddings, you know, ‘gay’ as in ‘happy.’ I could never really understand why anyone would want somber or melancholy weddings.”
Lawrence McNeill, who has been chained to the doors of the county clerks office in Lafayette, Indiana, for the last 90 days to support gay marriage finally freed himself once the mistake was revealed. “I guess it’s kind of a tunnel vision thing,” he says. “Men marrying men? Women marrying women? I can’t believe people thought that’s why I lived on a sidewalk for three months. Yuck.”
Anti-gay marriage activists were quick to blame liberals for the misunderstanding. “I guess we couldn’t understand what they were talking about with all that lisping,” says June Fairclaw of Ohio’s Queer Don’t Come Near Here Coalition. “By their definition, my granddaughter just had a gay wedding, a term I still reject. I prefer to call it a nuptial fantasia.”
President Bush, in the meantime, also maintains his opposition to gay weddings. “Gay marriage is not right,” he told the press corps during a Rose Garden ceremony today. “When Jenna and Barbara get hitched, we’re wearing all black and playing the saddest Johnny Cash we can find. There will be no gayness whatsoever between man and wife, as God intended.”

Tuesday’s Entertainment Headlines

Recall: Robert Redford’s Weathered Face Accidentally Sold as Bacon in Nation’s Supermarkets

Macaroni, Cheese Decide to Pursue Solo Careers

Dr. Phil Advises Mother to Eat Unruly Young

Obituary: Martin Feldspur, 55

Quadriplegic Passes After 23 Years of Bitching, Verbal Abuse; Sets Back Support For Stem Cell Research By Years

Heathrow, Alabama—Noted Alabama quadriplegic Martin Feldspur, 55, died in his sleep yesterday after over 20 years confined to bed and an electric wheelchair. Feldspur, who lost the use of his limbs when he got drunk tailgating at an Auburn football game and fell off the roof of his van, lived in a small apartment and was tended to by the Instacare Home Nursing Service. Some of the 273 nurses who worked with Feldspur remember him as a sexually frustrated, verbally abusive ass. “Martin was a complete bastard,” says Cleo Tucker, Feldspur’s personal assistant for the last two months. “’Suck my crippled dick—you stupid bitch—this tastes like shit—get your fat butt away from the TV—wipe my ass with your lips.’ I wish his tongue had been paralyzed too. I would have killed him myself if I wasn’t making $18 an hour.”
Charlene McHenry, who worked with Feldspur for three weeks in 1987 before quitting says she would have filed a sexual harassment suit, but didn’t ever want to see Feldspur again. “He destroyed my self esteem and drove me to drinking after just one week. I guess when you can’t get it up talking is all you’ve got, but it’s still creepy.”
Phan Phut, delivery man for Happy Wok, who delivered dinner to Feldspur every Tuesday, remembers the crude racial epithets and being constantly shortchanged. “I was thinking of supporting stem cell research after hearing Christopher Reeve’s inspiring story,” says Phut. “But if all that money is going to save asses like Martin, fuck it, save your tips.”
Feldspur’s doctor, renowned researcher Franklin H. Beamsley recalls the misery of treating Feldspur over the past 23 years. “Preserving the life of that bastard caused me incredible stress and got me hooked on morpine,” says Beamsley. “I was close to finding a cure for spinal cord injuries, but I’m scrapping that research. I couldn’t live with myself if I put a dickhead like that back on the street.”

Bush Implements No Child Left Alive Act
Directs First Attack Against New Jersey School

Oprah Winfrey Elected Pope

Poperah I Will Lead Catholic Church into Age of Spirit Journaling, Upbeat Celebrity Banter

Vatican City—In a surprise move today, the Catholic College of Cardinals retired Pope John Paul II and elected Oprah Winfrey as Supreme Pontiff, officially dubbing the new head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Poperah I. The popular talk show host accepted the position over the phone from Harpo Studios in Chicago before whisking off to Vatican City in her private jet. Though only in office a few hours, Poperah has already replaced the traditional papal throne with a comfortable love seat. At the end of her first mass, which included a homily by John Travolta, parishioners were directed to look under their pews where a Roomba Floor Vac and a tub of Decleor Vitaroma Body Sumptuous Anti-Aging Body Cream awaited them. Poperah’s Book Club announced City of God as its first selection and Dr. Phil was pronounced Blessed, the first step on the road to sainthood.
Critics claim that the College of Cardinals elected Oprah, who is neither Catholic nor a male priest, technically disqualifying her from the papacy, in order to get new cars. “If Poperah wants to give me a tricked out Mazda 6 with hub cap spinners and ground effects, I will accept it as the Lord’s will,” says Cardinal Gianni Andretti, who led the movement to elect Poperah I. “And of course God will always ride shotgun.”

Thursday's Headlines

Dyslexics Gaining Weight On Low-Crab Diet

Attorneys Now Offered Choice of Supreme, Veggie, or Meat Lover’s Court

Amish Robots Have Trouble Adjusting to Rural Life

Election Roundup

National Muzak System Deployed
Soulful Sounds of Kenny G, Sinatra Waft Through Streets As America Waits for Results

Seattle—Instrumental and orchestral versions of classic rock, jazz, and popular songs like Nirvana’s Smell’s Like Teen Spirit and Sinatra’s My Way fill the streets of America at this hour as the nation waits for the final results of the 2004 presidential election. The National Muzak System, developed after the 36-days of waiting caused by the 2000 election frayed the nation’s nerves, is designed to relax and sooth anxious citizens. 11.5 million speakers have been dropped off all over the country, from wilderness hilltops to the lobbies of skyscrapers. “We wanted to comfort America in case there was another long wait,” says Sydney Fox, chief developer of NMD. “I want the country to feel like a pleasant waiting room at a dentist’s office till the results are final.” Fox says trucks carrying out of date issues of Highlights for Children and Redbook will scatter them on the streets of major cities if the results aren’t finalized by this afternoon.

MASSACRE!!
Thousands Executed As Vote or Die Campaign Draws to a Close

Philadelphia—Rap mogul P. Diddy made good on his Vote or Die pledge to murder anyone who did not cast a ballot, killing over 1,110,000 Americans soon after the polls closed Tuesday night. Diddy and his death squad began their spree on the streets of Manhattan, spreading to the outer boroughs before moving on to New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. The squad, armed with lists of those who did and did not check in at the polls yesterday, expect to cleanse America of non-voters by the end of the week. “I told y’all I was going to do this,” Diddy told the press shortly after capping 6 non-voters in a Brooklyn apartment. “I suggest if you didn’t vote you get your affairs in order. We’ll be with you shortly.” The death toll is expected to reach over 30 million nationwide. Those who did vote are encouraged to paint a large red checkmark on their front doors.

Supreme Court Casts Its 9 Electoral Votes
Little Known Clause in Patriot Act Incorporated Supreme Court as 51st State

Supremecourtlandia—A clause buried in the 2001 Patriot Act incorporating the Supreme Court as the 51st state of Supremecourtlandia with 9 electoral votes—more votes than key states like New Mexico and Iowa—will tip the election in favor of George W. Bush. Governor Sandra Day O’Connor of Supremecourtlandia said a vote of 5-4 gives the state’s votes to the president. Supremecourtlandia also announced that it is sending Justice John Paul Stevens, 84, to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy combatant.

Special Report: Election Day Coverage

McDonald’s, Subway, Burger King Disenfranchised at Polls

Kerry Promises “A Stemcell in Every Pot”

Bush Caught Lip Syncing During Milwaukee Speech; Blames Acid Reflux

Exclusive: Cheney’s Heart Can’t Handle Truth, Medically Necessary to Surround Himself With Lies

Florida Court Decides to Allow Provencal Balloting—Votes to Be Cast with Summery Blend of Garlic, Olive Oil, and Tomatoes

Kerry Proposes Canadian Citizenship for Every American—Promises Era of Free Health Care, Low Crime, Abundant Crullers

Electoral Map Vaguely Orange—Indicates Surprise Win By J. Lo

Bush Bulge Exposed: Missing Absentee Ballots Hidden in President’s Sports Coat; Lost Iraq Explosives May Be In Trousers

Paul Wolfowitz’s Hair Drilled For Oil—Experts Believe Untapped Reserve Cure For Energy Woes

Osama Bin Laden Releases New Paris Hilton Sex Tape

Heiress Living Simple Life in Afghanistan, Tells Reporters Jihad Is “Hot”

Peshawar, Pakistan—The Al Jazeera Network broadcast yesterday what is purported to be the first film from Osama bin Laden in over a year. The forty-minute tape, filmed in grainy green night vision mode in the caves of Tora Bora, shows the leader of the Al Qaeda terrorist network fornicating with American hotel heiress Paris Hilton. Hilton, a jet-setting party girl known for sport fucking with the world’s rich and powerful, can be heard on the tape saying “Osama bin a bad, bad boy!” The two then cavort through a series of role playing games including the Suicide Bomber’s Last Night On Earth, Pasha and Slavegirl, and the Naughty Schoolteacher. After the money shot Bin Laden addresses the camera directly saying, “Who needs 72 virgins when you’ve got an infidel bitch with an ass like that?”
An unnamed CIA analyst says he believes the tape is authentic, but is not ready for a full confirmation. “That certainly looks like Osama’s unit, but I’m going to have to watch the tape several dozen more times to be sure.” Prada and Gucci are both rushing chadors, veils, and folding stock AK-47s to market betting that Hilton’s defection will drive a winter demand for jihadist fashion. The Kerry campaign was quick to point out that their candidate has several inches on the terrorist leader and the White House responded to criticism that Osama’s terror network is hotter than the Bush administration by releasing a tape of vice president Cheney deflowering Iraq.