You Can’t Handle the Truth

Maple Syrup Causes Lesbianism

Hot Butterworth on Butterworth Action

Man Pisses Way Out of Avalanche

Opinion: The Inaugural Address

By Francisco de la Francisco, DWN Foreign Correspondent (Translated via Google)

Madrid—We have lives in the car driving ways of Madrid, we look into our own belly buttons fervently, however the rest of the world is still concubine to us. The American inhabitants tell Bush to stay in his house, and he lectures to them on what he will do in there. He tells the earth freedom is stomping her way across the national places. He tells the earth liberty is happening where it is unwanted. We stop our working for making to think difficultly about these things. Bullets and missiles come in the form of rain for small minutes, but freedom will squat above the earth to the furthest we can scan. Spaniards enjoy Bush—Spaniards should give strong love to Bush, who treats us like a large father. Potentate of Heaven, give special needs to Americans--and smile broadly to Real Madrid! Goal!

Thursday's Headlines

Condoleeza Rice Accidentally Packed in Burlap Sack and Sent to Thailand As Food Aid

Rice Has Been Misplaced Somewhere in this Pile

Max Headroom Selected As New CBS Anchor

"Catch the Wave and Have a Pleasant Tomorrow"

Survey: Pooty Tang Dynasty Most Popular Rulers of China

Bush Dedicates National Girls Gone Wild Preserve

“We Need To Protect Our Wild Girls for Future Generations”


Girls Gone Wild Frolicking in Their Newly Protected Florida Preserve

Fort Lauderdale—Conservative policies are pushing one of our most beloved national symbols, the majestic girl gone wild, to near extinction. That’s why President Bush today dedicated the new National Girls Gone Wild Preserve, a 14-acre swath of clubs and beachfront in Fort Lauderdale, the roosting grounds of the Girls annual winter migration. “Dropping hemlines, decreases in teen sex rates, rampant virginism—Girls Gone Wild are a disappearing symbol of American freedom in these Conservative times,” Bush explained in his dedication speech. “We need to protect them, no matter the economic consequences. They need the freedom to frolic about in their natural habitat.”
Derek Dongslinger, a nationally recognized authority on Girls Gone Wild is ecstatic over the new preserve, but believes more needs to be done to protect the species. “We can’t just confine them to this one small area of the country,” Dongslinger explains. “There are still remnant populations of Sluttissimus femans from New York to San Diego and all points in between. I want my children and my children’s children to experience the majestic sight of a wild girl exposing her mammaries and puking up Jaegermeister.”
At the end of his dedication, Bush symbolically released his twin daughters Jenna and Barbara into the preserve.

Tuesday’s Headlines

Howard Stern Named New FCC Commissioner; Renames Agency Federal Cunnilingus Commission

Sue Nami, Connecticut Real Estate Agent, Receiving Hundreds of Relief Checks From Alabama Residents

IRS Announces No Late Fees

FDA Recalls Elderly

Government Panel Finds the Elderly Are a Major Cause of Heart Disease, Cancer, Alzheimer’s, and Death

Washington, D.C.—The Food and Drug Administration issued a bulletin today taking elderly Americans off the market. “The elderly are known to promote a variety of illnesses and are the leading cause of death in the United States,” says FDA spokesman Floyd Platz. “It’s just not safe to keep them where children have access to them.” Those with elderly are asked to deposit the unused portion at their local ice rink for storage and disposal. The FDA suggests anyone who relies on the elderly as parents, grandparents, mentors, or personal burdens should substitute them with the middle-aged or age advanced baby-boomers. Several states have introduced programs to import the elderly from Canada, though the Bush Administration promises to prosecute elder smugglers.

Bush Concludes Pact With Satan

Sends Daughter Jenna to Rule the Underworld as Favored Concubine of Beelzebub


Jenna Bush Salutes the Arrival of Her Dark Lord and Master at the Inaugural Ball

Washington, D.C.—On Thursday night, hours after George Bush’s swearing in, the Prince of Darkness arrived at the Black Tie and Boots Inaugural Ball to collect his prize, Jenna Bush, promised to him by the President in exchange for delivering Ohio to the Republicans. The Monarch of Hell, decked out in a white- linen Sean John tuxedo, strode into the ballroom atop a foul seven headed beast spraying vile filth and vermin from its hoary mouths. The Lord of the Flies then danced several songs with Laura Bush before sweeping a delighted Jenna up into his arms and dashing out of the ballroom in a fantastic firestorm of screeching twisted souls.
“That was quite a spectacle,” Bush later told the press. “Reminds me of when Newt Gingrich left Congress! But really, that guy has style. He must have more money than the Bin Ladens. I think Jenna will be happier in the netherworld, which she says reminds her of Texas.”
Jenna’s twin sister Barbara, it was later revealed, was recently engaged to the Egyptian god Osirus, and will be ritually sacrificed in the Rose Garden at an official state dinner next month.

Thursday’s Headlines

Special Report: U.S. Preemptively Conjugates Iran—Tehran Blasted With Speakers Blaring “Irun, Iran, Iwillrun, Ihaverun, Ihadrun, Iwillhaverun”

Bush Improves Human Intelligence by Killing Self

God Uses McDonald’s McRib to Create Saucy McWoman

Judge Orders Stickers Placed On Foreheads of All Georgians

Will Read “Evolution Is Just A Theory—See Evidence Below”

Atlanta—In the wake of a Federal decision ordering the State of Georgia to remove stickers from biology texts saying that evolution is only a theory, the same judge ordered stickers placed on the foreheads of all Georgia residents reading “Evolution is Just a Theory—See Evidence Below.”
“After ordering the stickers removed from the textbooks,” says Judge Herbert Florsheim, “I began to doubt the validity of evolution. How could these people be the pinnacle of natural selection? I mean, ATV accidents are their number one killer. I don’t know if it’s creationism, but something else is at work here.”
The citizens of Georgia have embraced the stickers, and wear them with pride. “The sticker is a little itchy,” says T. Picken Oswald, postmaster of Toluca. “But it’s worth the discomfort. I want the world to know that I am not evolved.”
So far, fourteen toddlers have died after the stickers were improperly placed over their mouths.

Tuesday's Headlines

Scandal: Golden Globes Statuettes Omit Madagascar, MacDonald Island, Swaziland. Hollywood Foreign Press Association Accused of Racism

Bush Promises to Smoke Out Tsunamis, Wherever They May Hide

Prince Charles Condemns Harry to Concentration Camp: “Not My Favorite Son Anyway.”

Most Popular New Channels on the Dish Network

Zogby Unleashed: 24 Hours of Commercial Free Polling Data
ANB: Live from Anna Nichole’s Bathroom 24/7
PigTV: 24 Hour News in Pig Latin
VO5: The Haircut Channel
Spice Scramble: For those who grew up watching fuzzy porn
MSW1: Nonstop Murder She Wrote
MSW2: Nonstop Murder She Wrote
Top Down: Commentary on the News from Ted Koppel’s Hair
D.E.T., Death Entertainment Television: All celebrity obituaries all the time
CTV: Televised Canasta
Benders: The channel for men who like to watch other men bend metal
Fresh: Classic and contemporary douche commercials

The Home and Garden Page With Maureen LeTorte

Ideas for Losing Those Holiday Pounds

Did you gain a few pounds over the holidays—it’s hard not to! My husband sure noticed—he’s been calling me a fat cow for the past week! Ha! He’s got such a wacky sense of humor! I told him I was working on a column about losing holiday pounds and he said he’d help me lose 165 pounds overnight! Then he loaded up his car and drove away! Ha! Thanks for your wonderful ideas, America. God Bless and may your waistlines waste away!
-Maureen

Find and remove loose change from the rolls of fat on your belly, chin, and under your breasts. Use the treasure to buy yourself a salad.

Try the new Chet Atkins diet—catfish, fried chicken, grits, and drinkin’, and line dancing

Convert to Zoroastrianism—their holiday feasts are much less fattening

What would Jesus eat? Instead of celebrating Christmas with turkey and wine, have what our infant Lord would have: a brimming glass of breast milk

Watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and cry till you’re dehydrated. Say adios to water weight!

Join your local Al-Qaeda cell. A few years in Guantanamo can get rid of even the most stubborn pounds

Start living off Social Security—reduced benefits will force you onto a starvation diet

Keep a pile of your dog’s poo in the refrigerator to taint everything delicious

Forget the food pyramid—try the more cryptic food Sphinx, which only allows pizza every 4,000 years

Reduce the size of your stomach by eating a bucket of spackle—it’s a cheap alternative to expensive bariatric surgery

Weight gain is all in your mind—change the names of your favorite foods to doughnots, potato zips, Quarter Pounder with Breeze and believe the flab away

Legally change your name to Fat Fucking Pig. Let public humiliation do the rest.

Thursday's Headlines

Bush Impeached for Improper Relationship With the Lord

“No Women In Combat” Policy Implemented After Last Living American Woman Killed in Iraq; U.S. Importing New Brides From India

Executive Order Changes Spelling of “Inauguration” to “Enogerashun”; Congress Debates Legislation Cutting Word to One Syllable

Hardee’s Monster Thickburger Decimates Downtown Chicago

Burger and Godzilla Wage Fierce Battle Along Michigan Avenue

Chicago—Monster Thickburger, the 1,400-calorie behemoth bacon cheeseburger accidentally created in the secret underground laboratory of Midwest fast food franchise Hardee’s, destroyed much of downtown Chicago late last night as it battled Godzilla, who emerged from Lake Michigan to protect the city from the deliciously deadly Angus sandwich. “Thickburger came out of nowhere—he was causing heart attacks left and right, waistlines were exploding, and he was gnawing on the Sears Tower,” says Mayor Richard Daley. “The streets were flooded in rancid mayo and his cheesy layers dripped into the Chicago River, killing countless fish. We are asking that the National Guard be recalled from Iraq and deployed in the Windy City.”
The Mayor called Godzilla out of a ten year sleep at the bottom of the Lake to battle the cholestorolic beast. After a 3 hour battle which leveled the Miracle Mile, Thickburger jumped into Godzilla’s mouth, causing his heart to instantly explode. Thickburger then went on a rampage, eating the El, layering Wacker Drive with crispy bacon, and defecating ketchup into the fountain at Grant Park. The freakish burger was last seen moving towards Milwaukee, where residents are hoping Girthy Ballpark Frank will be able to stop the marauder. Emergency obesity clinics have been set up around Chicago. Anyone enlarged by Thickburger is encouraged to seek salad immediately.

Tuesday’s Headlines

ABC Mid-Season Replacement Extreme Makeover: Ho Edition Debuts

Bush Uses Part of Tsunami Relief Aid to Construct Enormous Ark on White House Lawn

Pfizer to Replace Viagra with Newly Discovered Male Stimulant: Vagina

WalMart Introduces New Uniform in Bid to Control Costs

Disposable Uniforms Will Save Company $2 Billion Per Year


WalMart's New Uniform

Bentonville—American retail giant WalMart unveiled the first disposable employee uniforms today, hoping that the flimsy, recyclable garments will cut down on expenses to the tune of $2 billion. Nametags have also been replaced by tattooed barcodes on the backs of employee necks which an all seeing electronic eye will read, enabling managers to track the movements and thoughts of all cashiers, stockboys, and pharmacy technicians. The company is currently lobbying President Bush to require the bar codes be printed on the necks of all Wal-Mart shoppers, which would increase the speed of check out and discourage any negative thoughts about the chain. Sources reveal that the firm has plans to add employee dormitories to each of its stores, and is actively recruiting U.S. Army prison guards returning from Iraq to serve as dorm monitors.Target and Sears are both following suit, issuing employees higher quality, but more expensive, disposable uniforms in a range of fashionable colors.

Alberto Gonzales Single-Handedly Piles Senators Into Naked Pyramid

Tower of Legislatures Crumbles Under Weight of Ted Kennedy

Washington, D.C.—During his confirmation hearing in the Senate yesterday, Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales deftly corralled 30 members of the Senate into a naked pyramid in the middle of the chamber floor. “I don’t really know what happened,” says minority whip Dick Durbin, D-Illinois. “One minute I’m grilling him about his sloppy Texas death row memos and the next he whips out an electric cattle prod and I have Arlen Specter’s ass in my face.”
“I wipe my ass with the Geneva Convention,” Gonzales reportedly said as he forced Elizabeth Dole and Hilary Clinton to expose their legislative bodies. He then placed hoods over the heads of the stunned members of the Senate before piling them on top of one another. The tower of flesh crumbled when Senator Ted Kennedy, who Gonzales had ignored, ripped off his suit and excitedly climbed to the top of the flesh pile.Gonzales is expected to be confirmed sometime next week. “There’s no way I’m voting against him,” says minority leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, who was nearly crushed to death at the bottom of the pyramid. “It turns out we voted to give him $1 million for electrodes, car batteries, and KY Jelly in the last omnibus appropriations bill, and I don’t want to find out what that’s all about.”

Thursday's Headlines

Porn Stars Investigated for Sperm Doping

Wal-Mart Named Official Corporate Sponsor of United States Government--Capitol Dubbed Walmerica Center, White House Renamed The House of Value, Pentagon Charged With Dramatically Slashing Prices

Nickelodeon Launches Celebrity Go-Fish Tournament

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Looking for a special and discrete man to share Friday nights watching What Not to Wear and Funny Girl. I’m totally not gay. I used to play football in high school. I just want to roughhouse a little or, like, take a shower with you if we get dirty roughhousing. And maybe I can scrub your back because I’m really handy with a loofah. Will you be my date for the Oscars? Ext 117

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SBF, Obsessive Compulsive-Over You!
My fantasy date? You open and close the car door for me 16 times. We drive to Le Chalet where you help me manually wash the silverware 7 times and I send back the filet 3 times because it isn’t directly in the center of the plate. We come back to my place, I turn the lights off 18 times. If you don’t caress me gently on the elbow 23 times I’m afraid my cat will die. Do you want that on your conscience? Ext 378

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Good, because people who are allergic to peanuts are dildos. Call me and we’ll suck face. Ext 73

DWN, Can I Read Between Your Lines?
Editor of fake news blog seeks female of indeterminate attributes. Must not be afraid of open sores, curly back hair, Cheez Whiz sandwiches, thick toenails, old bathrobes, or obsessions with animal feces. Fine bone structure is appreciated, but not a deal breaker. Orphans only please. No fat chicks. Or really skinny chicks, like anorexics. On second thought I do like a little meat on the bone, especially if it’s that sexy curvy oompah! oompah! kind of meat. Scientologists need not apply. Or exterminators. Private detectives may apply. Actually, private female detectives only please. Or, at least chicks with the skills of a private detective, like a waitress who does private detecting on the side. That would be really cool. Except if she spied on me all the time, because I appreciate my privacy. OK, no public or private detectives. Or retarded girls, unless they’re really sweet like the wacko mute girl Sarah Morton played in Sweet and Lowdown. Sarah Morton in Sweet and Lowdown only please. Christ, who am I kidding. All you need is a pulse, and even that is optional. But a fingerprinting kit would be really nice. Ext 69

Tuesday's Headlines

Chinese Astrologers Declare 2005 the Year of the Red Bull After $10 Million Payoff

Billy Graham Asked To Preach at SuperBowl Halftime; Janet Jackson To Be Stoned by Crowd

Heart Attacks Take Out Entire CBS, ABC Primetime Lineups—Overweight Sitcom Dads John Goodman, Jim Belushi, Kevin James, Mark Addy, Jason Alexander Pass Away Over Holidays

Trends: Top New Bar Drinks for 2005

Eric’s Slippery Colon—1 shot vodka topped with prune juice

The Lewinsky—Blue Curacao, dollop of egg white

The Bush—Place a pink umbrella in an empty glass

The Kerry—Fill a long, tall glass with a high-class, heroic, but wholly unapproachable and uncharismatic beaujolais and drink alone, sitting on the floor behind the bar

Penis Colada—Crushed ice, light rum, canned pineapple, cream of coconut, cream of bartender, blended

Sex on the Bus—1 ounce vodka, 1 ounce peach schnapps, 1 ounce cranberry juice, 1 ounce orange juice, and 40 ounces of Colt .45

Sin and Tonic—Bombay Sapphire, tonic, lime wedge, sipped from your sister-in-law’s belly button

Dirty Zamboni—Squeegee off the bar into a glass. Fill with crushed ice.

The Rummy—Fill 1,300 shot glasses with the finest cognac. Nonchalantly knock each one off the bar while categorically denying that there are any problems.

Bloody Harry—Vodka, horseradish, Tabasco, Worcestershire, celery salt, pepper, clam juice, tomato juice, run hands across head, garnish with any stray hairs

The Trump—Fill shotglass with half Goldschlager, half Cristal. Light and scream “You’re fired!” before drinking. Declare bankruptcy when finished.

The King of Pop—Mix equal parts Irish cream and coffee. Dissolve contents of 17 Pixie Stix in mixture and offer to your favorite small child.